Bus drivers: the most feared creatures in the animal kingdom

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By: Tiffany Chang

In the campus biome, within the confines of the all-too-familiar giant blue vehicles, lurk the deadly bus drivers perched atop their operating seats. You quickly reach for your Compass Card to tap in, watching as they observe the other students pile in and doing your best to avoid the ominous stare of their infamous, beady eyes — an indisputably common feature amongst the transit-kind. Some call them majestic. Others may describe bus drivers as the most powerful creatures in the animal kingdom, invariably feared by all university students.

I, for one, dare not approach. I refuse to risk being chewed up and spat out any time I find myself nearly too late to catch the 145. The drivers also possess great strength in their vocal cords because of all the squawking, behaviour that is perfectly normal in their natural habitat. Frequent sounds these creatures make are: “Please move to the rear!” or “Please move to the back of the bus!”

Oh, but there is one more. One I am normally unwilling to speak aloud, because it brings back horrific memories . . . A chilling cry meant to establish dominance: “CLEAR THE DOORS!”

What a bus driver typically does while shrieking is quickly release the steering wheel and whip around in their seat, face red from pure anger and frustration that the living beings beneath them in the food chain are not obeying their commands. In order to have even a slim chance of thriving as an SFU commuter student, one must prevent this cry from being uttered at all costs.

Take my advice. Saying “thank you” is extremely important — both getting on and off the bus. Get on their good side. Your status as a public transit rider is all about survival of the fittest.

For those who are freshmen, I urge you to heed my warning: do as you are told, or else you will not live to see your second year.