By: Gene Cole
We each need to spend our free time doing something. Some of us take on hobbies to distract ourselves from modern life, others make fancy dinners, but only the most ambitious and socially oblivious people know the best way to spend time: sending unsolicited photos of their genitals to a friend, classmate, or partner.
Psychologists theorize these wretches of humanity send unattractive photos of these unattractive body parts in hopes of consensual sex. While no evidence of this result appears to exist (outside of questionable posts on Reddit), this is an unsettlingly common hobby in our modern social world. If you have this illogical need to risk losing most of your social circle, you should do your best to make sure your photo and text are of the highest quality. With these tips, you should be able to maximize your near-zero percentage of success.
For your first shot at improvement, it always helps to make sure your item is clean and presentable before you start. This may be a challenge for you, since you likely gave up on the concept of hygiene many years ago, but it will help your photo be far easier to evaluate and identify. What might shock you is that this can be done for very little cost and effort, as soap and razors are widely available in most stores. Despite the ease, the process itself may also have benefits of better physical health and psychosomatically cleansing the guilt you should rationally feel. Additionally, this will make your penis stand out from the foliage when the recipient of your photo violently removes it and throws it into the woods for you to desperately recollect.
Next, the technology for your heinous act is going to need an upgrade. Phone cameras have advanced a lot over the years, but your decision to take this kind of photo is unprofessional enough as it is. Average camera quality and the Snapchat filters that “make it look sicker” just guarantee the disgusted response that you’re already 99.9% likely to get. If you’re the repulsive kind of person who sends these pictures, you might as well commit to your identity and purchase a higher quality camera and lighting rig specifically for this revolting purpose. This will make the pictures clearer for when your recipient shares them with friends as a serious warning about you, as well as make the photo process much more efficient by having dedicated equipment.
The final touch is the packaging that goes with your unwanted picture — the text with your image to explain its “deeper” meaning. This is where you can put a lot of personal flair, as there are many unique strategies to presenting this unwanted and unwelcome gift. Some monsters try to be direct, asking if the recipient liked what they saw for some ungodly reason. Others will try to restore their non-existent integrity through unconvincing denial, claiming it was a wrong number or that they attached the wrong image. However you choose to dress it up, though, remember that your actions will likely be disliked regardless and there isn’t a single correct answer you can give. If you feel disheartened by the hopelessness of it all, a suggested course of action is to find friends or professionals to help analyze the problems that led you to your lack of respect for other human beings.
