By: Amal Javed Abdullah
Are you drowning in student debt? Do you lay awake at night with the thought of a future with crippling financial instability and endless enslavement to banks? Are you lulled to sleep by the semi-comforting thought that at the very least you will have a degree which will find you a reasonably paying job, only to be wrestled awake by terrifying nightmares of grown men jumping on your back for a perpetual piggy back ride (especially if you pay attention to ads on buses and SkyTrain)? Well, it’s your lucky day then because, boy, do we have the solution for you!
There is only one simple solution to avoid ever paying back your student loans: to never leave school! That’s right, folks! With just the small sacrifice of your sanity, you will have the opportunity to escape a life of continuous incremented soul-sucking repayments and obtain as many as fifteen Bachelor’s degrees to your name!*
You could learn everything you’ve ever wanted to know about the world, from microbiology, to astronomy, to the linguistics of Martian language. You’ll become a scholar on the most minute and irrelevant disciplines that have (and haven’t) ever existed!
Additional benefits include being able to hone your exceptional (and only) talent of writing papers and exams like a pro, and being able to splurge on cute stationery for the rest of your life without feeling guilty. We don’t even require that you maintain a reputable GPA — as long as you remain out of reach of academic probation, you get whatever mark your little heart desires. With this great offer, you have the chance to stay engaged and become a real lifelong learner — literally!
An especially attractive part of this offer is that students are averted from leaving their safety bubble of school, in which they have been wrapped since the tender age of five. The side effects of leaving the comforting bubble include entering into the real world, broken dreams, adulting, and the crippling realization that one is alone and rapidly being pushed through the tight matrix of time towards death. This offer prevents all of those unsightly side effects, so ask your doctor if never leaving school is right for you.
With this offer, what do you have to lose? Receive money each month, live in your family’s basement, and enjoy life as you did just before graduating from high school. StudentAidBC hates people who take on this offer (because it is unflatteringly exposed that they are not aiding students in any way). However, precautions of this offer include that the student must understand that a life of subjugation, whether to the banks or to the SFU admins, is inevitable after one has entered the realm of post-secondary. SFU students are especially fortunate in this regard — it takes no stretch of the imagination to realize that they are constant prisoners in the jail-inspired architecture of the principal campus. Seize this limited time offer now and escape a life of debt and possible bankruptcy!
*Warning: previous lifelong students have been known to die from utter boredom before having completed all fifteen degrees. User discretion is advised.
