By: Vincent Justin Mitra

Are you looking to gain and/or lose weight? Do you have too many toxins, dioxins, and xeroxins oozing out of your pores and other orifices? Then try Dr. Sellout’s Miracle Cleanse! Other cleanses promise that their “special” food will push the negative sludge out of your body. Trust me, Dr. Sellout! I’ve been eating things to push other things out of my body for over 20 years! You’ve tried all those other cleanses that promised results; now try the one that promises nothing! It’s a miracle!

Breakfast : Double Hashbrown McGriddle

• Do you need a quick morning pick-me-up available all day long before 11 a.m.? Look no further than your local McDonald’s! This one’s pretty simple, and you won’t even need your kitchen!
  
  Just order a Sausage, Egg, & Cheese McGriddle and two McHashbrowns and you’ll be halfway there. This next part, however, is a lesson in portion control, so you won’t run out of one before the other.
  
  While I’d never recommend either of these individually, what you need to do is alternate taking bites between them, so that they’re both sloshing around in your mouth at the same time. Don’t just stick the hash browns into the McGriddle; that’ll mess up the proportions, and is a total sucker’s move. You’re not a sucker, are you?
  

Lunch : Day-old Subway

• Here’s one for you vegetarians. You go to a Subway. You get some tuna. A foot-long honey oat. Cheese and toasted? Yes, please. Lettuce, a bit more. A lot of barbeque sauce — some more. Some honey mustard. (A bit of yellow mustard too, if you’re feeling adventurous.) You get salt, and pepper. You ask them to cut it in half and wrap them separately. They go into the same bag.
  
  Boom, two meals right there. You can eat one now, if you’d like, but tie up the bag and let the other one sit for 24 to 30 hours. This is key. Any earlier and you might as well not wait; any later and it turns to trash. You’re welcome.
  

Dinner : Smucker’s Strawberry Jam Chili

• A good ol’ three-bean beef chili, just like your passive-aggressive grandmother used to make. . . but with a more youthful, sugary addition to help cut the tension.
  
  The first step is to make some chili. Beef tastes better, but turkey is better for you. It’s up to you. I just don’t see why you’d ask me if you won’t listen to my advice — no, it’s fine. When that’s all set and bubbling away, add around half a jar of Smucker’s Strawberry Jam. We’re eyeballing it here. When I was your age, we had to do without numbered measuring cups, I’ll have you know. Our numbers all had to be melted down to help the war and we were glad to do it.
  

Dessert : Dorito S’mores

• This outdoorsy favourite combines a few kitchen mainstays with man’s eighth-greatest invention: fire!
  
  First, roast a marshmallow over a campfire until the marshmallow turns a nice acorn brown. Use a stick from the forest floor for added flavour. (If you don’t have access to a campfire, a pile of matches or a microwave will do in a pinch.)
  
  Next, grab two Doritos Jalapeno Cheddar triangles and use them to pull the marshmallow off the stick, sandwiching it between the two chips. Then you eat it! Can’t you just feel the toxins flush out-of/into your body?