Time traveller from the future tells men’s basketball team to “hang in there”
[BURNABY CAMPUS] – With rumors spreading that this may be the final season of the SFU men’s basketball team, a man from the future has come to deliver some cheerful news. The man reports that, “the team will continue to stay below .500 for a few more seasons, but once the Trump presidency causes America to descend into another civil war, there will be no teams left to play against in the NCAA II division, therefore allowing SFU to win the championship by default.”
Gashapon dispensers coming soon to SFU
[SURREY CAMPUS] – The marketing department at SFU has decided to release a line of gashapon capsule toys. Instead of toy figurines based on cartoon characters, though the general public will be able to collect members of the SFU community. The miniature figurines will range from the cleaning staff all the way up the president of the school, Andrew Petter.
However, we have been told that the probability of acquiring a non-cleaning staff gachapon is low enough that cleaning staff may end up cleaning up discarded cleaning staff figurines.
SFU launches brand new program exploring the potential of “power posing”
[VANCOUVER CAMPUS] – Recent research by Amy Cuddy on the power of body language has spurred mental health researchers at SFU to create a graduate program focusing on the medicinal powers of “power posing.” This program will look into the discovery of new poses, figure out the most efficient and useful poses, and explore the efficacy of combining several poses into a combo.
Undergraduates who must engage in research participation as part of their coursework can now look forward spending hours being contorted into various positions by overeager graduate students.
