A controversial announcement surfaced in Whistler this weekend which could very well change the Christmas landscape forever. Over caviar and Dom Perignon, the leading fat cats of North America’s most prolific supermarket chains announced a controversial decision to scrap Halloween 2016 in favor of creating more space for Christmas-themed paraphernalia and primetime advertisement spots.
Retail stores from all across North America have reportedly already discarded plans to display any Halloween products and related promotions next fall. It is also reported that some companies have already begun marketing preparation for the next batch of nonsensical consumer fads, such as the recently announced Snoop Dogg’s Easy Baked Oven and Mr. T’s refurbished line of X-rated Shrinky Dinks.
While the contentious decision has left some divided, an unforeseen amount of consumers have recently spoke up in favour of Halloween’s dismissal. For a strong majority of Yuletide yahoos, the reception has been warmer than a toasting yule log and nothing short of an early Christmas present.
“I’m sure the little kids will be bitching about it the most, but that’s life. It’ll be good for their little minds to get the kick in the head they sorely need,” said SFU education major Hernando Castro. “Besides, this is going to give me such a head start on my Christmas shopping.”
Pending on the success of next year’s supersized Christmas, sources say Halloween could be canceled indefinitely.
Halloween enthusiasts, on the other hand, have taken the news hardest of all. Citing the loss of the ghoulish holiday as a horror in line with the bite of a razor blade apple.
That’s right: gone are the days of knocking on stranger’s doors for free candy and being scared shitless by Halloween movie marathons, for Halloween has been laid to rest by jolly old Saint Nicholas and his pack of corporate tycoons.
One chairperson even took to his personal Facebook account, proclaiming excitedly: “The people have spoken loud and clear with their wallets. They want more Christmas, and by jove, we will give them what they asked for. Suck it, Halloween.”
To get more insight into the announcement, The Peak sought out economics professor Fitz Ingram for further comment and what it could mean for the holiday landscape.
“Halloween just isn’t the money-maker it used to be. Tootsie rolls, pumpkins, and sexy Minion costumes — it’s just not enough to keep the average multi-million conglomerates sending their board members to Monaco and Venezuela,” said Ingram.
“Companies want to fleece us of every bit of cash we got. And the only way they can do it these days is by gutting Halloween like a Jack o’ Lantern and selling human-sized Toblerones to put in their kid’s stockings. Companies are taking the first steps to making Christmas a year-long extravaganza of marketing brilliance. And this is the first step in their master plan. Just you wait and see.”
With Halloween scrapped, people can expect to hear Yuletide butchering of their favourite Christmas songs by shoddy cover artists as early as mid-October. Those mourning Halloween’s passing are advised to eat their remaining candy stash slowly, for the age of trick or treat has set in the souls of every gore lord and scream queen across the Northwestern hemisphere.
