Awards season has arrived at your friendly neighbourhood 12-theatre Cineplex Odeon. After trudging through months of cash-grab sequels and movies Adam Sandler probably conceived while sitting on the toilet, there’s finally something out there worth pirating. Have you ever dreamed about writing your own Oscar-buzz-tastic screenplay? Well, now you can. Just follow the next eight steps, and by this time next year, you’ll have the academy salivating like Pavlov’s dog in July.
First off, who’s directing your Academy Award-winning film?
A. Wes Anderson, except he’s mad at Bill Murray and the Wilson brothers so none of them are coming along
B. Quentin Tarantino, in a creative direction that makes Django Unchained look like Grown Ups
C. Christopher Nolan, overcompensating in hopes that people might forget about the last act of Interstellar
D. Martin Scorsese, directing more flesh and nudity than an unrated cut of The Wolf of Wall Street
E. James Cameron, because he’s going to outlive us all
F. Ben Affleck, seemingly proving to everyone (and himself) that his latest streak isn’t a fluke
Playing against his/her usual typecast, your lead will be
A. David Bowie, without tights on
B. Michael Cera, playing someone who isn’t trying to lose his virginity
C. Cate Blanchett, though the audience only ever sees the lower half of her face
D. Jon Heder, who gained 30 pounds of muscle for the role
E. Quentin Tarantino, playing a character that doesn’t continuously sling racial slurs
F. Will Smith, in a dramatic role as a father mourning the death of his son’s film career
G. Amy Adams, playing someone remotely interesting
However, critics will agree that the film’s standout star is supporting actor
A. Ellen Page, who plays a washed up child actor in her 20s potentially eyeing a comeback
B. Drew Carey, playing a corrupt Wall Street banker who’s in the pocket of some mobster
C. Jared Leto, playing another transgender person with HIV
D. Helen Mirren, as a woman with multiple personalities — all of which are roles Mirren has played
E. A hologram of Philip Seymour Hoffman, playing the main character’s best friend
F. Jennifer Lawrence, who could honestly get away with just being a background extra at this point
The film’s plot revolves around
A. Mankind’s first colony on Mars, including the years of training leading up to it
B. A ragtag group of marketing cronies who have until the end of the day to discover the next big thing
C. Women’s rights activists in the 1960s
D. An expedition into a coma patient’s subconscious to uncover where it is that dreams come from
E. The seedy underbelly of the car window repair industry
F. A modern retelling of George Orwell’s Animal Farm
But little does the audience know that
A. The film’s antagonists never existed; they were psychological manifestations of the protagonist
B. The opening scene is chronologically the last scene of the film
C. The main character will be brutally killed off halfway through
D. James Franco was behind everything the whole time
E. The film’s plot will lack closure, ending with a character in mid-sentence
Is it an original idea, a remake, based on a novel, or inspired by a true story?
A. The film is 100 per cent an original idea
B. It’s a remake of a lesser-known French film named Petite licorne (Little Unicorn)
C. It’s based on a supposedly lost novel by Jane Austen
D. It’s based on the next “it” trilogy of young-adult fiction novels
E. It’s inspired by the true story of a family from Michigan
F. It’s inspired by the student riots in France during 1968
Is there comedic relief?
A. The phrase “dark comedy” has never rung truer
B. Kathy Griffin will provide occasional witty one-liners that add surprising subtext to the film
C. There’s a smoking child who’s unbearably cynical
D. During a moment of mental fragility, a character will tell a ham sandwich to “Shut up!”
E. Everything an artificially intelligent robot says will lack any empathy, resulting in dry humour
F. No comedic relief. Just sombre moments involving sombre characters
What makes your film unique?
A. The film is completely silent except for a single doorbell ring around the 70 minute mark
B. For any character that died in the film, the director insisted on killing the actor who portrayed him/her to establish a real sense of loss
C. It’s only 42 minutes long
D. Everything, down to what catering company was hired for onset, came to the director in a dream
