The secret is out: a North Korean defector now living in Seoul, South Korea, is claiming that the size of Kim Jong-un’s threats is connected to his small genitalia.
With North Korean hostilities escalating in recent years — from repeated threats of invading neighbouring countries to suspicion from the recent Sony Pictures hackings in response to the Seth Rogen/James Franco film The Interview — actions against the United States and its allies have become increasingly ambitious. Despite speculations over why Kim’s reign as Supreme Leader of North Korea has been so volatile, analysts have been left without definite reason — until now.
An interview with the high-level North Korean defector is shedding light on why Kim Jong-un has been acting in such a threatening manner.
“He has a really small penis,” the defector stated very bluntly, “and that is what it all boils down to.”
When asked if there was any other explanation for the young dictator’s hostile behaviour, the defector simply shook her head. She then proceeded to describe rumours within North Korea of how the once-adequately endowed Kim had his size reduced in an accident involving a prototype shrink ray at an experimental weapons factory. During a test run, the shrink ray became unstable and exploded; the blast killed everyone on site except Kim, who miraculously survived.
Unfortunately, his joy was short-lived, as it was quickly overshadowed by the horrifying revelation that the blast had left him with a micropenis.
“He cursed the world for what had happened to him,” the defector described the Supreme Leader’s radical change in personality. “After days of sulking in his palace suite while listening to early-era Coldplay songs, he decided to enact vengeance on the world that cursed him with such a tiny penis.
“The more ambitious he gets with his threats, the more we know about his nether regions.”
The defector further revealed that Kim’s wife, Ri Sol-ju, was so unimpressed with the size of his penis that she was forced to marry him at gunpoint. Other sources confirm this information, adding that a state holiday is prepared in case Kim is ever able to successfully bring her to orgasm.
When asked how she knew all these details so well, the defector stated that she had been a former mid-level government worker in North Korea when she was propositioned for sex by the Supreme Leader. However, the defector made the faux pas of laughing at the Supreme Leader’s micropenis and was immediately terminated from her position.
“I knew laughing was a mistake,” the defector said at the end of her interview, “but like Rogen, I couldn’t help it. I’m surprised anyone takes him seriously at all.”
