Marissa Ouyang
Horoscopes: February 7–11
February 7, 2022By: Hannah Kazemi, SFU Student, Future-Seer Aries Change is in your future! Consider ordering a bowl instead of a burrito the next time you’re at Chicotle (formerly Chipotle). Or, follow Chicotle’s suit and switch a consonant in your name out with a “C” because a K-pop artist likes you. But don’t just do it on your social media — fully and legally commit. Variety is the spice of life, and yours has been awfully bland lately. Taurus To unlock your horoscope for this week, please include the following information in the caption of your next Instagram photo dump: the name…
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Horoscopes: January 31–February 6
January 31, 2022By: Marco Ovies, Features Editor and cosmological animal whisperer ARIES: How does it feel to always be first on every single horoscope? Everyone looks at your horoscope and you don’t have to waste any time searching for your sign. Just like…
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Horoscopes January 24–28
January 25, 2022By: Sara Brinkac, Star-whisperer in training ARIES: One day this semester — when you least expect it — a tall dark stranger will come to you with grave news. Be nice to them, the cemetery industry is pretty dead nowadays, and…
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Horoscopes January 17–21
January 19, 2022By: Sara Brinkac, Cosmic mailman ARIES: Sorry I haven’t gotten out of retrograde. I accidentally had caffeinated tea at 8:00 p.m. last night and my orbital schedule has been a nightmare. — Mercury TAURUS: I get that you’re really into…
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Your SFU horoscopes: January 10–14
January 11, 2022By: Luke Faulks, Staff Writer ARIES: After horoscopes have repeatedly failed to accurately predict the ups and downs of your life, you’re starting to doubt their efficacy. At least until right now, when the stars — and I — absolutely…
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Your SFU Horoscopes: November 22–28
November 26, 2021By: Carter Hemion, Humour Editor ARIES: Collect as many crystals as you can to master every aura. Some special stones can bring you joy and prosperity, but certain others carry rancid energy. And by rancid, I mean they’re radioactive and…
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Your SFU Horoscopes: November 15–21
November 26, 2021By: Carter Hemion, Humour Editor ARIES: You’re bold. Unconventional. Fucking feral. You’re a coyote, and more specifically the second one to make eye contact with me on campus and start trotting towards me like it expected something. My groceries from…
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Your SFU Horoscopes: November 8–14
November 25, 2021By: Carter Hemion, Humour Editor ARIES: Wednesday is Vanilla Cupcake Day! The day will be a piece of cake after you stress-bake nine dozen cupcakes. And the icing on top? If you give them away, it’s a good deed, not…
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Your SFU horoscopes: November 1–7
November 25, 2021By: Carter Hemion, Humour Editor ARIES: Never make a bet with a communication student. They will ruin you and they have the forbidden knowledge and skillset to make sure the whole world hears about it. In fact, avoid communication students…
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Your SFU Horoscopes: October 25–31
November 25, 2021By: Carter Hemion, Humour Editor ARIES: Play “Monster Mash” on repeat at a reasonable, quiet volume in every public space you inhabit. Nobody can tell you it’s too loud, but they can get it stuck in their heads for days…
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