By: Sara Brinkac, Cosmic mailman
ARIES: Sorry I haven’t gotten out of retrograde. I accidentally had caffeinated tea at 8:00 p.m. last night and my orbital schedule has been a nightmare.
TAURUS: I get that you’re really into the phrase, “The early bird gets the worm,” but you are neither a bird nor early to anything. So why do you keep trying to eat worms?
GEMINI: If you say anything bad about my dance recital last night I will lose it. I swear I’m not above telling everyone about that one time you farted in the Denny’s waiting area.
CANCER: WOW. I can’t believe you actually fell for that lie your close friend told you two days ago. I had no idea you were such a complete sucker! Well it’s only going to cause you moderate to grave consequences so don’t worry too much.
— The Sun
LEO: I know I said “never go to bed angry” but dude — you look terrible. Just spitballing here but maybe get some sleep and instead channel that anger into raising a suburban family.
— The Moon
VIRGO: Your mom called and told me to tell you that you have to start calling me dad now.
LIBRA: Sometimes it feels like you’re just one big joke to everyone and no one sees you for who you really are. I get that. I’m here if you ever need me to take that shit for you.
SCORPIO: Nothing is impossible if you believe in yourself. Even when people with a “doctorate” say you aren’t what you want to be and try crushing your dreams with “scientific criteria,” keep believing, friend.
SAGITTARIUS: Do you ever feel forgotten just because you don’t have a funny name or controversial size? Yeah, me too. Just know that I see you and you’re beautiful.
CAPRICORN: You should consider starting your own chocolate bar line. It’s an extremely lucrative business opportunity and great for personal branding!
AQUARIUS: I watched you on Google: Street View last night! Your performance was so incredibly realistic! I especially liked when you “tripped” on that curb and made the child cry. Keep up the good work sweetie — here’s hoping for that Oscar!
PISCES: You’re so wound up. Sometimes in life you just gotta float aimlessly for a bit. Who knows, maybe you’ll find a hot ball of rock gas and the two of you can spark a new life together.
— A passing asteroid