Horoscopes
Your weekly SFU horoscopes: January 13–19
January 14, 2020Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor Aries — March 21–April 19 Your brain is quite compatible with rocket science. Just like a rocket, it doesn’t work unless you drink rocket fuel. Make this week the week to suffer responsibly for your academic art. Taurus — April 20–May 20 This week, walk out of the vehicle and then keep walking . . . just keep walking. Go missing in the woods beyond campus. Let beautiful missing persons posters of you circulate. Build a new life for yourself out of the stones and the grass. Gemini — May 21–June 20 You may…
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Your weekly SFU horoscopes: January 6–12
January 6, 2020Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor Aries — March 21–April 19 You’ve made your New Years’ resolutions. And you’ll break them all this week. But don’t feel guilty. It’s hard, committing to stop buying Nutella at the grocer’s when you…
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Your weekly SFU horoscopes: November 25–30
November 24, 2019Aries — March 21–April 19 Well, you did it. You got through the semester without (being arrested for?) arson. So spend this week reminding yourself that pyromania is not a Christmas gift you give yourself — nor is it a Christmas…
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Your weekly SFU horoscopes: November 18–24
November 20, 2019Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor Aries — March 21–April 19 Find a day this week to bathe in tomato paste. It will neutralize the acrid, nauseating scent of clout-chaser on your body. Taurus — April 20–May 20 It’s a…
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Your weekly SFU horoscopes: November 12–18
November 12, 2019Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor Aries — March 21–April 19 Stop it with the selfishness this week. Make some sacrifices. Like becoming a ritual sacrifice to the dark entity slumbering inside Forum Chambers. Your bone marrow will feed the…
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Your weekly SFU horoscopes: November 5–11
November 6, 2019Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor Aries — March 21–April 19 You could participate in NaNoWriMo this year. But why write a rushed novel when your whole life is basically a rushed novel? Complete with contrived misfortunes, an arbitrary plot…
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Your weekly SFU horoscopes: October 29–November 4
October 29, 2019Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor Aries — March 21–April 19 Your stars spell terrible destinies for you this week. And you’re just going to have to put up with that. You think you have an unfair relationship with astronomy?…
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Your weekly SFU horoscopes: October 21–October 28
October 21, 2019Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor Aries — March 21–April 19 Enough with all the blushing over cuties on the SkyTrain. Blood is for dramatically staining the love letter you’re writing when you’re unexpectedly murdered in your own study, not…
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Your weekly SFU horoscopes: October 14–20
October 16, 2019Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor Aries — March 21–April 19 Victory will be yours this week. No matter the cost. You might end up in some conflicts because of that. But if your friends can’t handle how trash they…
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Your weekly SFU horoscopes: October 7–October 13
October 7, 2019Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor Aries — March 21–April 19 The consequences of all your weird behaviour and cryptic glares these past weeks are finally closing in on you. Don’t you dare accept this. You’ve done no wrongs. Your…
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