Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor
Aries — March 21–April 19
Enough with all the blushing over cuties on the SkyTrain. Blood is for dramatically staining the love letter you’re writing when you’re unexpectedly murdered in your own study, not for your face.
Taurus — April 20–May 20
You might be dreaming of a mid-fall vacation to realign yourself. So get on a Millenium Line train, Nesters Market bag full of brownies and other carbs in hand, and get comfy. Welcome to your week-long getaway paradise — you’ll really relate to this train, circulating endlessly and vainly through Vancouver with no hopes of a different future.
Gemini — May 21–June 20
Has your long lost, separated-at-birth twin tracked you down to get close to you and then steal your financial holdings? Or does this new friend of yours just genuinely love all the same TV shows starring drag queens as you? Keep an open and positive mind this week.
Cancer — June 21–July 22
This week, take a moment to cleanse yourself ritually in the freezing AQ waters. You might awaken on the Stanley Park shoreline with no memories. There’s no other way to absolve yourself of the guilt from killing another sea turtle with that straw from your iced latte.
Leo — July 23–August 22
Basically everyone who isn’t you is in the midst of a big fat October Crisis. You’ll do well this week if you continue to stay detached from the messy main plotlines that your friends are living. Just live in threadbare bliss and drink a lot of aloe vera water.
Virgo — August 23–September 22
You can stop feeling anxious about people catching onto your secret love affair with the Klondike giant cookie sandwiches from the Shoppers Drug Mart in Burquitlam. It’s not a secret — the Facebook algorithm already knows.
Libra — September 23–October 22
A gorgeous journalist might reach out to invite you to spill whatever oolong you have on SFU’s shadiest topic: the revolving door of weird, esoteric, constantly closed food stalls beside West Mall Tim Hortons. Or that might just be your daydream. Either way, the appropriate response is always the salsa-dancing lady emoji and no other qualifiers.
Scorpio — October 23–November 21
You’re trying to think of a good act of service you can do to take things to the next level with the love interest who will only commit to you through Instagram DMs. Consider having their will notarized for them. If Dan Humphrey can creepily write his way into Serena van der Woodsen’s life, you can write your way into your love’s afterlife — and all the assets in their go.sfu account.
Sagittarius — November 22–December 21
Dwelling on that irritating classmate? The one who keeps drawing all of your adorable TA’s attention away from you with their idiotic comments? Sprinkle a little pop of borrowed polonium-210 over their freshly unopened books when they’re not looking. It should be easy. They are almost never looking, or using any of their senses at all, during this class.
Capricorn — December 22–January 19
You’ll need to hide from the Internet this week — your Canvas grades will batter you and the White House’s letter to the Turkish president will finish you. Lock yourself in . . . well, in any room at SFU at all. The Wi-Fi will never make it to your makeshift panic room.
Aquarius — January 20–February 18
The strange noises emanating from the bowels of the school frighten you. Don’t investigate. Just bathe in this fear and enjoy the jouissance of never knowing just when you will be transubstantiated into a fleshy puddle dripping through the cracks of a concrete molehill.
Pisces — February 19–March 20
Consider looking into the abyss this week. The abyss just might take off all his clothes, stare off into the distance, and caption their Instagram post “Look at the view.”