Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor
Aries — March 21–April 19
You could participate in NaNoWriMo this year. But why write a rushed novel when your whole life is basically a rushed novel? Complete with contrived misfortunes, an arbitrary plot structure, and too much Times New Roman font when all you lust after is Papyrus.
Taurus — April 20–May 20
The TransLink strike action could still be ongoing. Or it could resolve itself. Either way, expect some travel disruptions, and expect to be sad about it. After all, there are only two places you could find yourself trapped: in Cloverdale, and not in Cloverdale. And the latter is only slightly less ratchet than the former.
Gemini — May 21–June 20
Congratulations — daylight savings time has officially ended, granting you a single extra hour! Budget this hour carefully. Twenty-five minutes for your next bursary application. Fifteen minutes for squeezing out another negativistic business email. And bank the last 20 for a doctor’s appointment where you and your stress migraine will probably be prescribed crystal healing or alternative love therapy.
Cancer — June 21–July 22
This week, you’ll have trouble with the cold. To be more specific, there won’t be enough of it to keep your heart safely refrigerated, guarded from melting after one devil-may-care glance from your SFU Security crush.
Leo — July 23–August 22
Black Friday may not be until November 29, but get shopping early. Every day is Black Friday when your cute smile and your confidence in discussing your oral fixation enrapture retail workers at an 80% success rate.
Virgo — August 23–September 22
Stop moping over your dissatisfaction with your academic performance this week. Your performance is dissatisfying every week. Now you have to face that instead of distracting yourself with strange alpaca videos.
Libra — September 23–October 22
Don’t let people judge you when they find out you didn’t vote. You have a right to indecisiveness. Just like the United Kingdom.
Scorpio — October 23–November 21
You’ve gotten way too powerful with #SCORPSZN settling over Vancouver. Take advantage of this. Live out your deepest fantasy: swallowing a live octopus and waiting to see whether or not it suctions itself to your airway and kills you.
Sagittarius — November 22–December 21
You’ve been letting yourself lean on others lately. What a shocker. But don’t get too comfortable. Your support system is as fragile as a bodybuilding influencer’s ego and may collapse at any time. That’s what you get for assembling your social circle out of milksops and Battlestar Galactica players.
Capricorn — December 22–January 19
You may find yourself fretting this week. Your best outfits will always have just one key component drifting in the laundry and unusable. But stop worrying about it. You only have one worthwhile date to look forward to, anyway: enrolment.
Aquarius — January 20–February 18
You are a S’Well bottle of creativity, but catering to your followers on social media has drained you dry. There’s no fighting back. You are, after all, totally plastic and incapable of anger or any other feeling. Just acknowledge quietly that emptiness is the new Instagrammable.
Pisces — February 19–March 20
Pain and failure surrounds you. But you may thrive this week in unexpected ways. You’ve absorbed everyone else’s powers, and now only you will make it through the tuberculosis outbreak known as existing.