Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor
Aries — March 21–April 19
Find a day this week to bathe in tomato paste. It will neutralize the acrid, nauseating scent of clout-chaser on your body.
Taurus — April 20–May 20
It’s a good week to be upstaged. Take this opportunity to conserve your energies. Whatever the context may be, your nemesis will enjoy the spotlight only fleetingly. Someone is sure to leak video evidence of them performing “Hot Problems” by Double Take as a solo dance number inside an empty Wendy’s.
Gemini — May 21–June 20
Remember back when we told you to fly yourself to Vanuatu and build a new life for yourself? Good thing you didn’t go. If you escape your problems by fleeing to another country, who’s going to do the important work of escaping your problems by retreating into your own personal psychological cradle of introversion?
Cancer — June 21–July 22
Carry bread and clear water with you to every class this week, to be bestowed on all your fave discreet day-drinkers. Spread your sobering gifts to everyone — except those monstrosities who pronounce “drama” as “drah-ma.”
Leo — July 23–August 22
Unreachable, untouchable, unbreakable . . . that’s you this week. They can’t tear you down when your entire character is no more than a fiction written by someone with a humiliation complex and an appreciation for cute bone structure.
Virgo — August 23–September 22
You might be a Gen Z sun, but you’re a Boomer moon. I know: it’s terrifying. It’s time to take a good analytical look at yourself and transcend that side of you, the way the Teen Wolf movie was adapted into a 21st-century teen drama with more CGI and less homophobia.
Libra — September 23–October 22
Juliet Capulet was a visionary, but she had some possible areas of improvement to target. So this week, emulate her as far as fake-poisoning yourself and letting men fight to the death over your corpse. But when you awaken amid the bloodied bodies, by God, just take his expensive man-bling and run.
Scorpio — October 23–November 21
You want to capture the attention of a room this week. So stroll into class with the word of the Lord on your lips: tell them all about the difference between the banana chocolate chip loaves at the Renaissance by Saywell Hall and the banana chocolate chip loaves at Higher Grounds by The Study.
Sagittarius — November 22–December 21
Your innovative mind is breathtaking. Don’t be scared to improvise solutions to your problems this week. There’s no need to look to a horoscope for guidance when you can come up with rushed bad decisions all by yourself.
Capricorn — December 22–January 19
Looking to confront an old friend about unresolved issues? You could text them to meet for coffee. Or you could manipulate all your mutuals into relaying your dissatisfaction to them through a long, carefully predicted chain of “keep this on the DL, but . . .” If your lost buddy fails to contact you and apologize for their mismanagement of your Neopets account that one summer you were on vacation, it’s time to just dye your eyebrows and move on.
Aquarius — January 20–February 18
Props to you, honestly: nobody has figured out that your love of dog videos and puppy therapy is like 36% an act. But the truth comes out this week. Sorry in advance for all rushes of acceptance and community you’re about to miss when your friends become that little bit less likely to tag you on Facebook.
Pisces — February 19–March 20
This week, you’ll probably partake in your favourite pastime: whispering rude things about someone you only pretend to condone as a conflict aversion technique. But you need to be cautious. What you haven’t yet realized is that you tend to stage whisper.