Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor
Aries — March 21–April 19
The consequences of all your weird behaviour and cryptic glares these past weeks are finally closing in on you. Don’t you dare accept this. You’ve done no wrongs. Your moronic, uppity friends just can’t face facts and thank you for the well-deserved misfortunes you prayed would fall upon them and teach them humility.
Taurus — April 20–May 20
Stand your ground on dinner plans for this week. Whether they like it or not, your friends are all coming over, and they are all bringing affection and Avalon chocolate milk.
Gemini — May 21–June 20
Your body will be studying for two midterms this week, but your soul will be with the spirits at Oktoberfest. Every imagined sip of beer will give you a little more imaginary joy.
Cancer — June 21–July 22
Your gift as a medium is really flourishing this week, begging to be used as more and more death surrounds you. Contact the spirits of all the honeybees who have died for your cushy lifestyle, and learn something from them, you idle, ice-hearted swine.
Leo — July 23–August 22
All your friends are going home for Thanksgiving? Lame. Be the forward-thinker here. Spend the weekend getting sloshed in SFU’s secret totally-not-a-morgue. The Vancouver Police Museum commercialized fun activities in mortuaries first, so if anyone criticizes you, they’ll have to also criticize the greater structures of institutional oppression perpetuated through law enforcement. Basically, you’re doing God’s work.
Virgo — August 23–September 22
Dress in mourning clothes this week. After all, it’s another week of crying for the loss of SFU’s Triple O’s.
Libra — September 23–October 22
Your indecisiveness is quickly becoming an irritation. Just order the Salted Caramel Iced Capp AND the Chocolate Chip Iced Capp. You’re still spending less money now than what you spent on cover from that boring club you hit up for an hour last Saturday, so you can cut the frugal act.
Scorpio — October 23–November 21
Damn, are you Snow White? Because those apples you’re about to buy in Dining Hall will taste like poison. When will you learn to have standards for yourself and not just for everyone around you?
Sagittarius — November 22–December 21
This is the perfect week to pay a local photographer on Instagram to take professional headshots of you in the dreary cold atmosphere. Against the backdrop of sad fall weather, the symbolism will be obvious: if hired, you’ll successfully suck all the life out of your coworkers and radiate it out of yourself and your pushy mannerisms. And isn’t that what every workplace needs?
Capricorn — December 22–January 19
You and your partner are about make the raccoon with two backs in some weird Burnaby campus bathroom, as you do. So it’s time to have a frank discussion about the third member of your ménage à trois: Lord Simon Fraser of Lovat. Be completely honest as you talk with your partner about the new summoning ritual you’d like to experiment with to invite Fraser’s spirit to your bed. It’s the best use of your new scented black flame candles.
Aquarius — January 20–February 18
Register to vote.
Pisces — February 19–March 20
You’ve been too nice lately, and everyone’s failed to notice that you swim circles around them when it comes to academic achievement and emotional intelligence. But why remind them when you could just drown in impostor syndrome and doubt yourself?