Horoscopes
Your weekly SFU Horoscopes: March 8–14
March 8, 2021By: Alex Masse, Staff Writer ARIES: You know how they say “March enters like a lion and leaves like a lamb?” No? Good. Forget it. You’re no lamb, you’re a ram. Start acting like it. Go find a Dodge Ram and yell at the owner for having such a big truck in the city. TAURUS: Listen, I’m not saying you should drop out and practice witchcraft in the nearest bog, but I will say that you’d look really nice draped in moss. And don’t mind Shrek over there, he’s just checking to make sure you’re listening to our Horoscope advice.…
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Your weekly SFU Horoscopes: March 1–7
March 1, 2021By: Charlotte Gravert, SFU Student ARIES: Since you’re not really a morning person, your black coffee addiction is like adding gasoline to a fire. Combine your morning brew with a cool glass of literal gasoline just for the chaos. TAURUS:…
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Your weekly Shrekly Horoscopes: February 22–28
February 22, 2021By: Charlotte Gravert, SFU Student Happy Chinese New Year! Hardworking ox is jumping in front of the cart to pull us out of the COVID swamp. We asked the stars and swamp expert Shrek for some personalized advice on how…
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Your sexy SFU Horoscopes: February 15–21
February 15, 2021By: Charlotte Gravert, SFU Student On top of social distancing measures and a general lack of lust, Mercury is also in retrograde during this sex issue’s shelf life. With the planet of communication going bananas and love planet Venus moving…
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Your weekly SFU Horoscopes: February 8–14
February 8, 2021By: Kyla Dowling, Staff Writer Aries: It’s frustrating to know that people are too cowardly to admit that they’ve been madly in love with you for years. Take action into your own hands. DM your exes, your best friend’s dad,…
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Your weekly SFU Horoscopes: February 1–7
February 1, 2021By: Paige Riding, Humour Editor ARIES: BARK! BARK! BARK! WOOF WOOF! BARK! TAURUS: Try split-dyeing your hair, Taurus. All the cool kids are doing it. You’ve never been one to start trends, just snatch them away from every fire sign…
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Your weekly SFU Horoscopes: January 25–31
January 25, 2021By: Alex Masse, Staff Writer ARIES: Have you invested in “screaming into the void” lately? I think it’d be really therapeutic for you. If no void is available, there are a number of worthy substitutes. Try screaming into a pillow.…
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Your weekly SFU Horoscopes: January 17–23
January 18, 2021By: Molly Lorette, Peak Associate Aries: How is that fourth New Year's resolution going? Maybe if you actually stuck with something for longer than a month, you could make a change in your life. Pick up those roller skates you…
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Your Weekly Horoscopes Jan. 11–15
January 10, 2021By: Kyla Dowling, Staff Writer Aries: You just don’t feel alive anymore, Aries. After learning every routine on Just Dance and burning the polaroids of everyone who wronged you in 2020, you need more spice. My recommendation? Get a COVID-19…
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Your Halloween Horrorscopes
October 27, 2020By: Kyla Dowling, SFU Student Aries: You just had to ask, “how could 2020 get any worse?” Now, we’re looking at a year-end zombie apocalypse thanks to your cynicism. Why pay for therapy to be told you’re “a threat to…
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