By: Paige Riding, Humour Editor
ARIES: BARK! BARK! BARK! WOOF WOOF! BARK!
TAURUS: Try split-dyeing your hair, Taurus. All the cool kids are doing it. You’ve never been one to start trends, just snatch them away from every fire sign in your life and claim them as your own. Well, not the new eye bags trend. That’s all you, buddy.
GEMINI: My editors actually told me to dial back on bullying you, Gemini. I thought you could take it. I had faith in you. Well, something something manifest greatness, believe in yourself, oh, uh, your fly is undone.
CANCER: The second you’re faced with simple mathematical problems, your brain seems to shut off completely. 7×13? Come on, you can do it. Don’t open that calculator app, coward. No, wait, don’t tear up, no, I was only kidding—
LEO: Easy, breezy, beautiful . . . well, you have the beautiful part down. Nothing seems easy about your life right now. Nothing. Nothing. Girl.
VIRGO: You can make your wallpaper a live photo! If you press and hold the screen, it plays a video! What emotional support fictional character popped into your head for that suggestion? Hey, you’re the one in charge of pushing your screen and your friends’ buttons with references of your favourite shows.
LIBRA: You may be the scales of the Zodiac, but the only thing you should be worried about is whether your professor will scale that last quiz. You really closed your eyes and clicked the answer your mouse gravitated to each time, huh? Divine intervention or defining inattention?
SCORPIO: Watching ASMR videos until three in the morning does not define you. Well, actually, you’re always tired, and now you’ve started whispering all the time like them. Honestly, you’re just too scared to ask who in our ancestry took the plunge and fucked a monkey.
SAGITTARIUS: Anything I write here you’ll just scoff at, so go eat your seventh baked good this week and leave me alone to talk with the signs I can actually tolerate.
CAPRICORN: It always seems like you’re missing something. A missed discussion post? A missed sale at Superstore? A missed strike in Wii Bowling back in 2010 that haunts your perfectionist ass to this very day? You can still hear the Miis’ sounds of disappointment echoing in your head . . .
AQUARIUS: Treat yourself to a Pepsi this week, Aquarius. You can live out your dream of being everyone’s hero à la Kendall Jenner, and we all know your superiority complex would just love the refreshing taste.
PISCES: Your creative side is screaming for attention this week. And no, acting out fake arguments in the shower doesn’t cut it. Try making potions out of all the shampoos like you did as a kid. That’ll wash away your boredom and the haunting sense that you may never return to what once was.
