By: Alex Masse, Staff Writer
ARIES: Have you invested in “screaming into the void” lately? I think it’d be really therapeutic for you. If no void is available, there are a number of worthy substitutes. Try screaming into a pillow. Or even your cat’s belly. I’m sure that will go well for both of you.
TAURUS: Start a rock collection. They’re great company and make fantastic melee weapons. You never know when you’ll have to Cain and Abel someone over the last pack of kombucha at Whole Foods. You didn’t even want it until that jackass ex student-athlete from high school went for it.
GEMINI: Okay, so, you’re probably not doing too great in isolation, are you? If I were you, I’d look into mitosis. Become a twin — literally! Because really, there’s no better company than yourself. No one can stand being locked indoors with you better than yourself. Well, let’s hope, at least.
CANCER: Stay hydrated, because oh, you’ve got a lot of crying ahead. Ah, you’ve already started. Stop! You’re smudging my notes about Aquarius! (Does anyone care about them but themselves, anyway?)
LEO: First of all, nice hair. Second of all, be extra careful combing that hair this week. With your nine year-old Scooby Doo pajama bottoms bringing down the average score of your Zoom call look, you may even want to invest in a leave-in conditioner.
VIRGO: Hey, you missed a spot. Where? Oh, you’ll find out soon enough. Trust me, you’ll find out soon enough.
LIBRA: It’s time you invoke your representative scales and go on a crusade in the name of justice. Or not. I don’t know, the stars are being pretty wishy-washy about it. Maybe just shake your fist at someone while their back is turned and call it a night.
SCORPIO: Do you remember that old folk tale about the frog that helped the scorpion across the lake, only for the scorpion to stab the frog to death because all scorpions know is stabbing people? Yeah, I was just seeing if you remembered. No particular reason.
SAGITTARIUS: Ooh, I think there’s love in your future! Somewhere! Maybe not this week, maybe not next week, maybe not even this year, but I saw a glimmer of it. Wait, was that the sun reflecting off your overpriced hipster glasses? Who knows.
CAPRICORN: You know what you did, Capricorn. One day, you’ll have to pay that $300 in emotional damages and $1200 in property damage. Or maybe you forgot what you did because you forgot to roast your friend while it happened and can’t make the association?
AQUARIUS: The water-bearer is bearing fruit! All that hard work you did is going to pay off! Yes, you’ve been chosen! Or you won! Or . . . something! I don’t know, my notes get a bit smudged over here. Like, you could literally just be getting a fruit basket this week. But hey, it’s something!
PISCES: Surprise, you’re getting gills for a week! I hope that doesn’t interfere with your Zoom calls. Maybe you can get, like, a waterproof phone? Or a fishbowl for a helmet? Just attend class in a tub full of Cancer’s tears, I guess.