Aries: How is that fourth New Year’s resolution going? Maybe if you actually stuck with something for longer than a month, you could make a change in your life. Pick up those roller skates you bought back in March 2020 and become the unattainable manic pixie dream entity of your dreams.
Taurus: Taurus, I think you have some control issues that need some addressing. This week during your Starbucks™ visit, try not to stand directly at the bar in order to watch your barista’s every move. Well, at least they can’t hear your huffing through your mask, I suppose.
Gemini: For your next impulsive online purchase, try buying a sword! It may not help your credit card debt, but at least this way you’ll feel like you’re straight out of Lord of the Rings instead of straight back in a rut no money can help you out of.
Cancer: Is it really seasonal depression when it lasts all year? Take this opportunity to get a therapist in week two rather than exam season. That’s when you only exit your room between the hours of 3 a.m. and 6 a.m. for leftovers too hot on the outside and too cold on the inside — hey, that food’s just like a Scorpio!
Leo: How has your sleep schedule been? Have you stayed awake for nights on end due to your near-constant anxiety over essays due weeks from now? Well, since you can’t do someone else right now, might as well do your assignments. Sigh.
Virgo: Honestly, at this point, I’m a bit frightened to say mean things about you for the sake of humour. Like, last time I poked fun at a Virgo, they promptly reminded me that my dull sense of humour is why my dad doesn’t love me.
Libra: While you’re sitting back and weighing your options, life is passing you by. Wake the hell up and make a decision already! Seriously, you’re more indecisive and non-committal than my ex-boyfriend. B̶r̶a̶d̶,̶ ̶b̶a̶b̶y̶,̶ ̶i̶f̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶’̶r̶e̶ ̶r̶e̶a̶d̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶s̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶l̶e̶f̶t̶ ̶a̶ ̶s̶o̶c̶k̶ ̶a̶t̶ ̶m̶y̶ ̶p̶l̶a̶c̶e̶.̶ ̶S̶h̶o̶u̶l̶d̶ ̶I̶ ̶d̶r̶o̶p̶ ̶i̶t̶ ̶o̶f̶f̶?̶
Scorpio: Next time you start missing social interaction, try hailing Bloody Mary like in middle school. With all this social distancing, she’s probably lonely and out of work 🙁
Sagittarius: Take this coming weekend to KonMari the living hell out of your possessions. The stars know about your cryptic collection of mid-2000s Furbies stuffed in the back of your closet. They asked me to remind you how much those little monsters sell for on eBay.
Capricorn: Capricorn, I think we all knew that the moment midnight struck on New Years, the world wouldn’t magically be okay again. But all your pessimism seriously didn’t help our high hopes. With your season starting out the new year, I think it’s only up from here.
Aquarius: Spice up your life by dowsing yourself completely in garlic powder! It’ll leave a memorable impression on that cute grocery store cashier who you see every week. It keeps away vampires and ensures you a six-foot radius. Or 20.
Pisces: Escapism isn’t the only thing you’re after, Pisces. You’re not just looking for some distractions from the cruel realities of the present through YA novels and Pokemon GO. You’re also looking to get away from Aquarius because they smell weird for some reason.
