Your weekly SFU Horoscopes: March 1–7

A peaceful cartoon woman surrounded by Zodiac symbols. She wears a yellow dress and has orange hair. Her hands are raised to hold one of the glowing signs.
Starring in your very own adventure, are you? ILLUSTRATION: Marissa Ouyang / The Peak

By: Charlotte Gravert, SFU Student

ARIES: Since you’re not really a morning person, your black coffee addiction is like adding gasoline to a fire. Combine your morning brew with a cool glass of literal gasoline just for the chaos.

TAURUS: Time is key here. Wait too long, and your hangry ass turns into a bull chasing the red flag snacks. We’ve searched near and far and found the perfect spring addition to your freezer stack of goodies: dry ice cubes for the special effect smoke. Yummy.

GEMINI: Nothing strokes a Gemini’s taste buds like some unusual flavour combinations. Milkshakes and fries are for beginners. Your twisted tongue is longing for a PBJ Burger (Tap & Barrel in North Van serves one). Not strange enough? Go ahead, dip a banana in the Dining Hall’s quinoa and tell us how it went.

CANCER: Two words for you: comfort food. Unlike some of our more experimental signs, we don’t recommend overloading your pallet or stressing yourself out with complicated recipes. But come out of your (pasta) shell a bit; switch Kraft Dinner with some Annie’s. We’re here holding your hand if you need us! 

LEO: Noble lions don’t mess with petty TikTok trends. Ok, ok Julia Child (she’s actually a Leo, btw) we hear you and formally invite you to bring back class to the kitchen with some French class. If the lockdown gets extended, why not try losing a game of War like they always do?

VIRGO: Really? Pizza with a knife and fork? Since sticky fingers and messy plates are as unappetizing to you, as that pineapple on your pizza is for us, we bring you: the tortilla wrap hack! Hide that fruit abomination in there, and no one has to see your sin.

LIBRA: We love you until we ask what food you want for takeout and your inability to make a decision DRIVES US UP THE WALL. Hence, here’s a pack of bacon. It tastes good sweet, it tastes good salty. Don’t tell us you’re thinking about going vegetarian! There goes our solution for indecision . . .

SCORPIO: I’m not suggesting you try putting a little extra “love” in the next brownies you stress-bake, but I am also not not suggesting it. That is all.

SAGITTARIUS: Straight-forward, loved by all, easy to switch up . . . The infamous feta baked pasta is your spirit dish! If you cook it repeatedly for your parents who fed you the same five meals your entire childhood, it makes like a feta wheel and comes full-circle.

CAPRICORN: Zodiac traditionalists, we know of your little nostalgia kink. So in the spirit of the aprons and cookery of the ones who came before us, dish up a revamped version of the tummy-twisting 1950s jello salads! In the name of innovation, maybe leave out the spam. 

AQUARIUS: There is nothing wrong with baking a whole cake for yourself, but show me one Aquarius who wants to go through a whole cake that is one flavour. Mug cakes on the other hand give you all the freedom to experiment and enjoy. No commitment, no problem. Wasn’t that your mantra? 

PISCES: Being creative and sensitive to their fellow fish-friends makes Pisces the perfect candidate for trying to whip up some vegan carrot lox! You heard right, you’ll no longer sob into the soft bagel buns as you mourn the loss of your saltwater soulmate.