By: Charlotte Gravert, SFU Student
On top of social distancing measures and a general lack of lust, Mercury is also in retrograde during this sex issue’s shelf life. With the planet of communication going bananas and love planet Venus moving into independent Aquarius, the only answer is to date yourself!
ARIES: Not only do you know exactly what you want, you also see no shame in always coming first. For your self-date, test your patience and see where it takes you. How far down your “Slow Sex” Playlist did you make it? Did you skip “Mr. Brightside”?
TAURUS: Your persistence, endurance, and stamina can be so annoying, but can also work in your lovers’ favour. Life is rough, but do you always need to be?
GEMINI: For your self-date, dive into whatever roleplay you’ve always been too scared to admit lives in your head rent-free. Remember those first butterflies in your stomach watching Simba grow up in the Lion King? Go. For. It.
CANCER: Let it all out boo. Crying is allowed here. Your self-date is all about holding space for yourself. Let the emotions flow. Don’t forget to bring tissues, they might be useful beyond dabbing your tears off. It’ll be a real tearjerker.
LEO: You are the master of self-pleasure and confidence. If viewing your own Zoom box isn’t enough for you, you can look up tutorials of making life-size cutouts of people. Anime fans have done it for years with their favourite characters, so why not? You are the main character.
VIRGO: Notoriously in need of control, this is the perfect date for you. Go to town with your shopping list of favourite treats (where’s that coupon?), create a spreadsheet of your favourite naughty Netflix scenes down to the seconds, and enjoy the meticulously timed evening all to yourself.
LIBRA: Yes Libra, you can have it all. Want to slouch in your sweats nerding out over your favourite fan-fiction AND be a Greek god yourself? Fictitious or for real, do it. Write about it on Wattpad (what was your password again?) . . . Unrelated, but can you send us the link after?
SCORPIO: Deep and dark Scorpios, buckle up for your personal pleasure séance. Make sure to lock the door so you remain unbothered while reaching the deepest level of your unconscious. Tell your catboy maid demon I said hi.
SAGITTARIUS: Freedom-loving archers, you don’t need Cupid to shoot an arrow! You received all the blessings from the sky to be your commitment-fearing self! Go window shopping on dating apps, but keep it fair and write in your bio that you “like adventures” so no one gets their hopes up about you.
CAPRICORN: Conservative Capricorns, stop hiding while you eat those Hershey’s Kisses and candy hearts! With no social norms to oblige or impressions to make, take up the challenge to do something just for you and not your reputation. Try some toys people have been buzzing about, instead!
AQUARIUS: Thriving in isolation is only one of your many talents. Hiding from the world is in style now, but you’ve been doing it for years! In the spirit of retrograde, make your date about opening up. Open that damn message you’ve left on delivered for four days already.
PISCES: This one is for all of you empaths out there! Shut off your phone, don’t let anyone taint your aura on your self-date. Get unapologetically creative. Let out your inner artist. How about writing some Terry Fox and Avocado fan-fiction? #Tervacado? #Avorry?