By: Kyla Dowling, Staff Writer
Aries: It’s frustrating to know that people are too cowardly to admit that they’ve been madly in love with you for years. Take action into your own hands. DM your exes, your best friend’s dad, that one kid from your high school math class that wore a Squirtle hat every day of his life, and tell them that you are expecting— nay, demanding— a love confession. That, or investments for Dogecoin stocks.
Taurus: Your 2015 Instagram bio was probably “Kanye taste with Drake feelings.” But your Drake feelings aren’t going to save you when you realize you’ve spent all your money on skincare and nothing on a gift for your SO. Here’s an idea: snatch some flowers from Ronald Reagan’s grave. Regifting has never been so anti-establishment.
Gemini: Love is in the air, Gemini, and you’re wearing a mask. The stars say it’s time to talk to someone new. Take inspiration from what you know: say you have a clogged pipe and can’t pay a plumber, or apply for a job as a middle-aged woman’s pool cleaner.
Cancer: The stars have a very special message for you, Cancer. It reads: “Get in a relationship immediately. I don’t care if it’s with that weird person on Hinge who wanted you to see his pet Kay.” . . . I think my star translation got a little convoluted. If you see Kay . . . WAIT
Leo: You have a vast array of choices this Valentine’s Day. Who will you choose? Maybe you’ll Zoom with your classmate from the third grade who gave you their Charizard card? Well, the last one is great if you wanna catch ‘em all: the best starter and COVID.
Virgo: You have rules, Virgo. Leave a room cleaner than when you walked in. Be cautious about lovers. Yet, something about that buff, bald man makes you want to risk it all. For Mr. Clean, you’d be willing to be just like his products — all-purpose.
Libra: Timothée Chalamet? That skater boy in your Zoom class who is most certainly sending “u up?” snaps during a war crime lecture? You don’t need them. It’s time to realize your worth and stop searching for unattainable skinny white boys, just make them yourself. There are Tim Burton claymation tutorials on YouTube.
Scorpio: Want to make some quick cash? Become ordained at www.lonelyministers.com and spend your February officiating weddings! You get to make $5 each time and you can repress your overwhelming desire to shoplift the entire Valentine’s Day chocolate section at Shoppers Drug Mart. Who needs Smarties when you’re such a smartie?
Sagittarius: Ah, Valentine’s Day. Today, while couples are cuddling at home, you can live out your mermaid fantasies (sort of) when you free the lobsters from the supermarket. Get your heist tools: an oversized coat, a bucket of water, and a seashell bra.
Capricorn: Reality shifting is all the rage on TikTok, Capricorn. I know you’re realistic and practical and all that, but give it a shot! Close your eyes and let your reality shift over to whatever anime you’re obsessed with this week. Maybe in the 2D world you’ll find someone to love you.
Aquarius: When it comes to romance, your dream relationship is the one in Beauty and the Beast. You just want a partner who will let you wander around their castle and read every book in their enormous library. It also doesn’t hurt that you have a thing for furries.
Pisces: You’re equipped with some frog-shaped chocolates, a rose bouquet, and a handmade card that you’ve learned calligraphy for. Now show up on the doorstep of your pre-pandemic Tinder match from last March. Yeah, they ghosted you, but they also complimented your ass. You can’t let a love like that go.