Your weekly Shrekly Horoscopes: February 22–28

ILLUSTRATION: Marissa Ouyang / The Peak

By: Charlotte Gravert, SFU Student

Happy Chinese New Year! Hardworking ox is jumping in front of the cart to pull us out of the COVID swamp. We asked the stars and swamp expert Shrek for some personalized advice on how to make 2021 better than 2020. 

ARIES: “You’re going the right way for a smacked bottom.” — Stubbornness just won’t cut it this time around. If you keep trying to get past a wall by hitting through it, maybe it’s simply not the right way to go? Shrek agrees, and recommends you take a sharp left past the Dragon’s Keep.

TAURUS: “It’s time to pack up your toothbrush and jammies. You’re the new king of Far Far Away.” — Your calming steadiness is what the world needs right now! The lead role comes with many benefits this year. For example, the work from home uniform is extra plush and complimentary snacks are available 24/7. 

GEMINI: “Ogres are like onions.” — We already love all your layers, but you too need to love yourself. You don’t want to be an onion? Many things have layers: cabbage, brussel sprouts . . . You want to be sweet? Try making like a pineapple and peel away that hard, prickly exterior of yours.

CANCER: “Donkey, you have the right to remain silent. What you lack is the capacity.” — You have the power within to resist chaos and panic and be your best self. Did you know you can read over texts for typos before sending them? Can we do that IRL?

LEO: “Gee, do you think he’s maybe compensating for something?” — Shrek has a distaste for the pompous and loud. Dial it down a bit. We don’t want to hear about your lockdown transformation while we are left with our 2 a.m. box dye hairstyles. Leave us to grieve.

VIRGO: “It’s on my To-Do list!” — Virgos, why hasn’t the dragon been slaughtered yet? Oh, oh it’s on your list. No need to shout. Take it easy. Too much discipline becomes compulsive. Stressed spelled backwards is “desserts.” Shrek recommends squeezed liver on toast, but maybe some Reese’s cups would do, too. 

LIBRA: “Someday, I will repay you. Unless, of course, I can’t find you or if I forget.” — As Shrek would put it, you are suffering from a major brain fart. Try finding yourself a sidekick that can hold you accountable. Talking donkeys are not the most apartment-friendly. What about a talking mirror? 

SCORPIO: “I’m an ogre! You know, ‘Grab your torch and pitchforks!’ Doesn’t that bother you?” — We don’t mind your curves and edges! You do scare us sometimes, though . . . Lighten up, not everything has to be bloodshed and tears — with you, aim for a 70/30 ratio. 

SAGITTARIUS: You know what? Maybe there’s a good reason donkeys shouldn’t talk.” — If you can’t play nice with others, you have to go to the timeout corner (being muted on Zoom). Stop dragging the tutorials to overtime with stories about your cats sleeping schedule. Actually, the cat can stay, not you.

CAPRICORN: “A cute, button nose? Thick, wavy locks? Taut, round buttocks?” — Glow-ups don’t happen from the outside-in. Adhering to the beauty standards only brought trouble to Shrek, and it will do the same for you! Embrace your green and stop using the cat ear filter on Snapchat.

AQUARIUS: “What are you doing in my swamp!?” — Shrek and you both know the feeling of isolating, but things only got better once Shrek opened his heart to others. There surely is a Gingy in your life that would give his last sugardrop up for you. You need to do the same. 

PISCES: “There’s a stack of freshly made waffles in the middle of the forest! Don’t you find that a wee bit suspicious?” — Has no one told you that you don’t take candy from strangers? Stop taking the nonsense that false friends and fake news are dishing up. You know better than that.