SFU Presents: SFU On Ice

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November 29, 2022

Photo of a small book with the legend "Things I wanted to say but never did" written in the cover

by Hannah Kazemi, Staff Writer

Dear me,

As of writing this letter, I’m 21 (22 in January. What the hell happened to the time?!) and every single day I mourn you, 14-year-old self. Sometimes when I’m laying in bed at night stressing about school, my body, or all of my life choices, I think about what I wish I had known about being an adult before it happened. I think about how I would have acted differently, what kind of person I wanted to be, and things I’m proud of or regretful towards. I write notes on my phone about all of these things. I think past me would have benefitted from hearing these things, had I been around to tell them to her. So here they are, all in one place.

#1 Shut up and move on.

You have a problem with getting hung up on things that are out of your control and kicking yourself for it until you don’t have the strength to kick straight anymore. You’re spending so much of your teenage years stressing about things that don’t matter anymore — your haircut, a bad grade, or something ridiculous you said in class. Shit happens. Sometimes bad or frustrating things come up that push all of your plans right out the window. It’s fine, you’ll get over it. You should cry first, though. Crying always makes you feel better.

But don’t always move on right away. You are allowed to express yourself and hold grudges and be angry. You are allowed to be unreasonable and mad at the world and think that everything sucks because sometimes . . . everything does suck. I wish someone told me this years ago. If they did, maybe you wouldn’t have developed anxiety by the time you turned 18. You just have to remember that when the tears run out, so does the energy you’re giving to the situation. That’s the point where you should think about moving forward.

#2 Stop over-planning.

Speaking of pushing things out of the window, your tendency to over-schedule your life and plan everything to a tee is going to kill you. For real. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about anything, it’s that nothing is guaranteed.

You can do all of the planning in the world, down to the minute, and still, something will go wrong.

You wanted to go out of province for the university to get the “full experience” and ended up going to SFU. You still live at home. In Surrey.

You wanted to study abroad in England in the second semester of your third year. COVID-19 hit during the first year. You visited England in the summer instead.

You hated English in high school. It made you cry and you swore to never take it in university. You’re graduating in April with an English minor and you write for the freaking student newspaper. Your writing has won awards.

Long story short, nothing ever goes to plan. At most, it goes kind of to plan. Write down your feelings and goals instead, I don’t know, just stop over-planning every moment of your life. Use that time to go out and actually enjoy being a teenager.

#3 Go to therapy!

This is probably my most important piece of advice. You’re hurting so badly inside and you don’t even know it yet. It isn’t until you turn 18 that you realize how badly you need to let the hurt out. Every relationship in your life will be better for it, and you’ll benefit from hearing someone else tell you that the way you’re feeling is valid. It is allowed. You’ll hate it at first because talking to strangers makes you anxious sometimes, but it’ll be worth it.

#4 Live a little!

Being scared of not being “perfect” or whatever in high school really hindered your ability to have fun as an adult. You get FOMO when you see your friends out without you, dancing the night away while you’re at home writing papers and reading books. I mean, it’s not bad to work hard and read — don’t ever be ashamed of being a “nerd” — but please, for my sake, accept going out more often. Stay out later than you normally would on a weekend (like, past 9:00 p.m.). Listen to music really loud and hang out with your friends more. DON’T WAIT FOR THEM TO ASK. I have to actively think of socializing now. I can’t be spontaneous at all, I have to rehearse in advance. Do you know what spontaneous means?? I shouldn’t have to rehearse it!! At the age of 21 (almost 22), I’m finally at a place where I actually crave going out and hanging out in crowds of people and dancing until my feet hurt.

#5 Your body will never satisfy you, so stop trying to make it change.

This piece of advice is one that I constantly need to hear but that never seems to stick around long. So I’m putting it on paper to exist in perpetuity.

The way your body looks does not define who you are or what you are worth.

Your. Body. Does. Not. Define. You.

Read that over and over and over again until it’s burned inside your damn mind because I swear if I have to watch you look in the mirror and poke at your belly or your thighs one more time, I’m going to scream. No amount of hoping and praying is going to remove your stomach fat. You can’t just cut it off. Little did you know at the age of 14 that your difficulty losing weight isn’t your fault at all; it’s the fault of your genetics.

Stop going to the gym and comparing yourself to the other girls there. Start going for long walks instead — I promise you will grow to love them. And you will grow to love your body. Well, sometimes. Sometimes you still hate it. But the times you hate it seem to decrease the less you occupy your mind with the way your body looks. Nobody notices but you, but your dysmorphia clouds that. Try not to let it. And fuck off with that “body positivity” bullshit. We now align with “body neutrality,” it means we accept this is our body, this is how we look like and who we are. We do what we can, when we can to stay healthy and not to change how our body looks. Learn to appreciate your body and take care of it as you would a small child. Give it what it needs to stay alive, entertain only some of its tantrums, don’t deprive it of all indulgences, and love it for its imperfections.

That’s all I’ve got for now, me. Believe it or not, you don’t know everything yet. You know a lot of things, and you certainly know more than you did when you were 14, but you have so much to learn. You learn new things every day about yourself and about what you wish you did or who you wished you’d be by the time you were 21, but trust me when I say that I don’t think anybody has the slightest idea of who they really are — especially when they’re 14, and even more so when they’re 21.

Tell your friends you love them. Hug your mom sometimes. I love you the most and I hope you take care of yourself.

Peace, love, and estathé,

Hannah xoxo

Vancouverite’s totes necessary guide to preparing for snow

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November 28, 2022

Illustration of a student looking innocent and hopeful as they witness the first snow fall of the season — ILLUSTRATION: Youngin Cho / The Peak

By: C Icart, Staff Writer

Have you seen the forecast? The temperature has been dropping. I’m running out of time. For what? To prepare for my favourite Vancouverite winter hobby: pretending it never snows in the Lower Mainland! Here are my steps for getting ready! It’s so exciting!

Prepare my shocked face

It NEVER snows. So I need to spend extra time in front of the mirror practicing my Home Alone face. I’ll need to use it when I see the forecast, and it announces snow when people tell me it will snow, and most importantly when I see the snow (which I won’t because it NEVER snows).

Clear my camera roll

I refuse to pay for iCloud, so I need to get my phone storage sorted out so I can take an absurd amount of photos IF it ever snows. Because that would be a miracle because it NEVER does, I’ll need to immortalize the moment.

Buy earplugs

Sometimes covering my ear with my hands while someone tells me that it snows at least once every year in Vancouver is tedious. So I’ll need some earplugs for comfortable hands-free denial this winter. No one can stampede my Vancouverite Elsa dreams.

Not buy winter tires

Are winter tires mandatory on most BC highways? Perhaps . . . Will I be engaging in the practice of purchasing said tires even though I know I should and it’s safer to do so? I have all seasons, so perhaps not . . . wink.

Buy my Arcteryx jacket

Vancouver winters are so mild, I don’t know how I would survive without a $400 jacket.

Prepare my excited text

Must save a draft in my notes app, so I’m ready to go when (I mean IF) it inexplicably snows, and I need to show the entire world (so, like all my group chats and my social media). NO ONE has windows in this city.

Work on reflexes

The second the impossible happens, I’ll need to run outside immediately. So I need to be READY. My Vessi’s need to be laced up at all times, so I can feel nature’s sprinkles on my face immediately. The wildest part is that the snowflakes are clearly laced with some sort of amnesia-inducing drug that will immediately make me forget the entire experience. So I MUST treasure it.

Horoscopes November 28th – December 3rd

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November 28, 2022

An illustration of a girl with long flowing hair. Astrological signs and stars shine around her. — ILLUSTRATION: Marissa Ouyang / The Peak

By: Hana Hoffman, SFU Student

Aries

Look into the sky tonight when the whole town has their lights off and the ambience is cold, silent, and peaceful. Count how many stars you see with your vision, then make a wish for each one. Why do this? Because every one of those wishes will come true next year.

Taurus

Think back on all the nights of 2022 so far. Do you think your average hours of sleep per night was above or below seven hours? Whatever it may be, try to get a slightly higher average next year. Or maybe you’ll hibernate this December and make your daily sleep average shoot up into the sky to make it unbeatable next year . . .

Gemini

For you, Gemini, 2023 is going to be a year for clearing off everything on your to-do list. Want to take that vacation to LA? Still trying to convince yourself to learn how to play guitar? Go for it!

Cancer

Cancer, you are invited to participate in the writing challenge! Get a notebook, decorate it any way you’d like, and write a quick little something every day about anything that’s on your mind. It’ll be cool to read later, so you won’t regret it!

Leo

You’re gonna open up a little more next year and find some opportunities to participate in, whether it’s joining a club or getting involved in the community. As a result, you’ll make lots of new friends!

Virgo

You may have had a good year, a bad year, or something in between. Whatever it was, just know that 2023 is going to be better. Maybe you’ll win the lottery, get straight A’s, book a vacation, or adopt a pet. Something great will happen next year and it’s something to be excited for!

Libra

Black Friday just passed and you went shopping, feeling certain that you checked every single thing off your December shopping list. But wait . . . Oh no, you forgot to buy the chocolate countdown calendar! Sorry to break it to you, but now you’ll have to buy it in full price :’(

Scorpio

No matter how many L’s you took this year, we’re gonna leave that in 2022 and only take our W’s to 2023 so we can continue to water, nourish and grow them into BIG W’s. 2023 is gonna be your year, I know it 😉

Sagittarius

What a wild year it’s been! You’ve worked so hard this year and you should treat yourself this New Year’s. Some ideas could be buying a new laptop, new clothes, or getting a new hairstyle done. After all, it’s, “New year, new me!”

Capricorn

How many days of 2022 did you spend thinking too much about the past or future? For the next year, I challenge you to live in the moment and focus mainly on the present; it’s something we often take for granted. Have fun!

Aquarius

Are you really ready to step into a brand new year soon? Or do you want to stay in this year forever? If you want to stop time and be stuck in 2022, I wish you the best of luck in finding Peter Pan so he can take you to Neverland.

Pisces

Pisces, you need to save more memories. I’m serious! Start taking more pictures and videos of your daily life so you can live the moments again later. Go and make 2023 unforgettable 🙂

Monday Music: Indie songs for surmounting unrequited love

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November 28, 2022

“Monday Music” in orange block text on a yellow rectangular background with rounded corners and an orange border. — Monday Music: your weekly themed playlist. Image courtesy of The Peak.

By: Daniel Salcedo Rubio, Features Editor

“Casio” by Jungle
Photo credit: XL Recordings

Are you feeling broken-hearted but don’t want to listen to a sappy crying-in-the-shower sad song? Then this song is perfect for you! “Casio” is about holding onto a relationship with no future for too long, and finally making your exit. The groovy rhythm is the perfect backdrop for moving on and not looking back.

“Nagano” by CLUBZ, ft. Ela Minus
Photo credit: Clubz

We’ve all had an unrequited crush: longing for someone who’s just not there for us in the way we wish they were. “Nagano” details that moment when you realize that person is full of shit, giving you wings just to clip them when faced with commitment. Let the lyrics empower you and if you don’t speak Spanish, just enjoy the uplifting melody and warm synth vibes.

“When Am I Gonna Lose You” by Local Natives
Photo credit: Loma Vista Recordings

I love this song mainly because of how much I relate to it. I’d say the inspiration for this song comes from the fear of losing someone you love, even though you might be in a healthy relationship with no red flags. I think those of us who have relationship anxiety can easily relate to that fear. Let the energetic rhythm serve as a lesson; enjoy the moment, cause there’s nothing to worry about.

“Departamento” by Bandalos Chinos ft. Adan Jorowsky
Photo credit: Virgin Music Label And Artist Services (P&D)

I’m going to start by saying that if you broke up with someone, there’s probably a good reason behind it, and getting back with an ex might not be the best idea ever. Nonetheless, I recommend this song for whenever you’re longing for a past lover. The song is an ode to ‘80s disco, with meaningful lyrics like: “This voice no longer remembers that night / It only wants to sing to you / Laying in the bed at your apartment.”

“Show me How” by Men I Trust
Photo credit: Indie

This is a chill-out song to reflect on a platonic relationship. The melody fits perfectly with the theme of the lyrics. Let the slow beat of the drums and the ‘80s-style synthesizer put you in the mood to cry out your sorrows and accept the pain and beauty of unrequited love. This is the song for when you involuntarily fall in love with a friend who you know has no interest in you, yet all you want to do is to listen to them talk.

It’s time to rethink British Columbia’s colonial name

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November 28, 2022

multiple Canadian flags on flagpoles — PHOTO: Aria Amirmoini / The Peak

By: Karissa Ketter, News Editor

To everyone who proudly calls themselves British Columbian: I hate to break it to you, but you’re probably neither British, nor Columbian. So, why do we live in a province with this name, and more importantly — why don’t we question it?

Before BC was an official British colony, our university’s colonial namesake Simon Fraser named the province’s central region “New Caledonia.” When BC became a colony in 1858, Queen Victoria renamed us to “British Columbia” so we wouldn’t get “confused” with South America or the French colony of New Caledonia. So-called British Columbia is named after the Columbia River, which American trader Robert Gray named after his boat.

The overwhelming colonial history of our name doesn’t represent the diverse populations that live here, nor the rich Indigenous history that existed long before Simon Fraser and Queen Victoria ever set foot on Turtle Island. For instance, the Haida people have occupied their territory for at least 10,000 years.

According to a Research Co. study conducted in October 2022, 32% of British Columbians would like to see a name change for the province. Beyond that, over 50% of the age group 18–34 said they would support a name change. 61% of Indigenous people also feel we should consider switching the name.

The major issues people have with the name “British Columbia” are its lack of Indigenous acknowledgement, and the word “British,” according to the poll. An additional 31% of people think we should also change our flag, along with our name. The BC flag has a British union jack — the union jack cross symbolizes England, Ireland, and Scotland being united under one sovereignty. Its presence in British Columbia’s flag is an allusion to the country’s colonial roots in the British monarchy. These symbols and names associated with our province simply don’t represent most people living here.

Before some of you start questioning the logistics of a change like this, it really isn’t that radical of an idea. Many colonially named locations have had existing names for centuries. Back in 2009, the archipelago once known as Queen Charlotte Islands had its traditional name Haida Gwaii restored.

No one is suggesting we change the province’s name without considerable planning and thought. This shouldn’t be a snap decision that the government makes. There should be thorough and meaningful consultation with all the communities that make up BC — which includes Indigenous people, most of all.

Our province is built on their history, their knowledge, and their ancestors. Consulting with Indigenous people needs to be the province’s top priority in the decision making process for what this region could be called.

The real question shouldn’t be, “Should we bother changing the name?” It should be, “Why wouldn’t we?” Other provinces in Canada already have names that reflect Indigneous history and culture. Ontario comes from the Iroquois word “kanadario,” which means sparkling water. Saskatchewan got its name from the Cree name for the Saskatchewan river: “Kisiskatchewanisipi,” which means swift-flowing river.

Any argument that says we shouldn’t change the name is upholding a colonialist system, where everyone who benefits from colonialism chooses to ignore the country’s troubling history. Changing British Columbia’s colonial name is the bare minimum our province should do to acknowledge this land’s Indigenous history and true ownership.

Communication student union relaunches podcast

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November 28, 2022

This is a photo of a podcast studio. There is recording equipment, microphones, and laptops set up around a table in a small room. — PHOTO: Austin Distel / Unsplash

By: Andreea Barbu, SFU Student

SFU’s communication student union has recently revamped their podcast, The Medium, The Message. It is hosted by vice-president of the communication student union, Talha Butt, and communications coordinators Simran Mann and Arianne Cervantes. The first episode was released on November 1.

Their new podcast series aims to reach all communication students, as well as any SFU students navigating their university experience. Through an interview with The Peak, Butt, Mann, and Cervantes were able to express more about what this new undertaking will entail.

Prior to the November 1 relaunch, The Medium, The Message was a platform that offered academic-related advice such as applying to co-op or grad school. When expanding on the nature of the revamped series, Mann explained how their goals changed from the original release. “I wanted us to shift from talking about just school and career opportunities and then also mix in some fun, random topics,” said Mann. “I feel like that would keep our listeners a little more engaged.”

Keeping true to this goal, their first episode informed listeners of the hosts’ first year experiences at SFU, along with advice they have for students undergoing their first year. “We wanted something lighthearted, where [ . . . ] students from the faculty could come together and speak about their experience about being communication students and geek out about their major,” said Butt.

When asked about who their intended audience was, Butt admits The Medium, The Message “is definitely tailored for communication students but it’s open to everyone throughout the university [ . . . ] similar to all of the events that we post as well, we try our best to tailor it to communication students but at the end of the day, anyone and everyone is welcome to join.”

Cervantes added, “We want it to be more fun! [ . . . ] We want it to be really authentic. We want our viewers to get to know not only us, but the communication members as well.”

“How many clubs do you know at SFU that have their own podcast?” said Butt. “We really take pride in being one of those few clubs that actually offers something other than just your typical social media promotion, whereas we have a podcast as a means for students to feel relaxed but still get a little bit of information and something out of it.”

In the long-term, Butt, Mann, and Cervantes’ plans for The Medium, The Message include bringing in external speakers, such as other executive members in the student union, industry professionals, and graduate students. Additionally, any SFU student is able to suggest topics for discussion by submitting requests through the student union’s website. Episodes are expected to be released twice a month.

To listen to the communication student union’s podcast, visit Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or Google Podcasts.

Running on empty

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November 28, 2022

Top-down view of a group of people runnning in a running track

By C Icart, Staff Writer

Content warning: descriptions of disordered eating

On January 7, 2022, I did not go on a run. I did not push through the pain and exhaustion. I did not value being “disciplined” over listening to my body. This was the first time I did this since March 25, 2020 — the first day of my running streak. Yes, I ran every day for 653 days. At the time, I was not thinking about that accomplishment. I was consumed with the feeling of failure. After all, so many people have running streaks that are way longer. I was following so many other streakers (people who run at least a mile every day) online who had been doing it for years, if not decades. The longest-running streak was done by Ron Hill, who did it for over 52 years.

When I started my running streak at the beginning of the pandemic, it was to see if I could go longer than my previous streak, which ended a few years prior after over 150 days (at some point, I stopped counting and lost track). The whole world was shutting down, and it felt like a great time to get back into it.

You need to be a little obsessive to do something like this: or at least, I was. I quickly increased my mileage, going on hour-long runs several days in a row. It hurt; everything hurt, but I kept running. When I would struggle in the middle of a workout, I would repeat to myself that running is difficult, but I can do difficult things. It’s really that easy to blur the line between pushing yourself and self-destruction.

I was lying to myself, and honestly, I think at times I was fooling other people too. I would post mirror selfies on my Instagram story almost daily, mentioning which day of the running streak I was on. They typically included me in a sports bra and leggings, even though I never left the house without putting a shirt on. Online, you can twist and turn and get the angle just right. In real life, people could see what I viewed as imperfections. I included the world in my daily practice of body checking and regularly got compliments for it.

People think they know what healthy looks like, but they’re wrong; being healthy isn’t something you can simply see. Not all weight loss is good, and not all fitness is healthy. On paper, at that time, I was probably one of the healthiest sounding people: I was vegan, ran every day, did yoga, and went to the gym regularly. But I was so weak. I was going on runs more often than eating meals, and it was catching up with me. My anemia got so bad, I always felt like I was on the verge of fainting.

Yet, I was devastated when I ended my streak. I felt like I was so close to hitting two years. But I couldn’t run anymore. Everything hurt; I was exhausted. I felt like my body had failed me. But I knew deep down that I had failed it. I felt like a driver cursing on the side of the road as their car stopped, knowing damn well they had been ignoring the low-fuel signal. I cried.

I’ve always been a runner. I’ve never been one to face problems head-on. But there are some things you can’t run away from. Years of standing in stores reading the weight-loss tips in magazines I wasn’t going to buy, binging weight-loss reality TV shows, and fantasizing about purging built up the messy foundation of this unhealthy lifestyle. They say, “You can’t outrun a bad diet.” They forgot to mention you also can’t outrun body dysmorphia or all the hatred for your body you’ve been socialized to feel. Sure, many people wish they exercised more, but some of us should exercise less.

It hadn’t always been like this. I actually started running out of spite after a particularly horrendous finish in a 5k my school was doing in grade 9. I never wanted to feel weak and powerless like that again. I knew I was the “fat kid,” and people didn’t think I could do it. I ended up joining my high school’s cross-country team. I wasn’t the fastest, but I was lapping everyone on the couch. That was a time when running made me feel strong, free, and badass. I would live for Sunday mornings, where I’d blast my favourite music and do my long run in the rain — waving at my neighbours, racing squirrels, and discovering new trails and hidden gems in my city. I miss that.

On October 12, 2022, I went on a run for the first time in nine months. I guess it was time to see if I could be reborn. I was lacing back up because I had unfinished business. I never achieved my running goals because I was running on empty, and I wasn’t listening to my body. But I have paces I want to hit, races I’d love to enter, and trails I’d love to explore. I started with a short and easy 10 minutes to see how my body would feel. It was surprisingly normal. I immediately got into a comfortable rhythm, passing people on the seawall. I had forgotten how much running felt like home. A man directing traffic cheered me on, and I knew at that moment that I was so glad to be back.

I am not skinny; I will never look like the fitness influencers online sucking in their tummies in Gymshark outfits, trying to sell me abs in 14 days. I am giving up on the perpetual project of shrinking myself until I disappear. I am an athlete. I fuel, and I train. I don’t diet and punish myself with workouts. I’m sure my return to the sport will not be without hiccups. My relationship with my body, running, and food has always been complicated, but I’m seeing growth. Here’s to more eating and less body checking, more self-loving and less self-loathing, more smiles and sometimes, fewer miles.

Twitter is beginning a new era and not everyone is in for it.

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November 27, 2022

Photo of a golden iPhone 6 with a blue screen and the twitter bird in the middle — #RIPTwitter #Twittershutdown #GoodByeTwitter #TwitterOFF

Wait, what’s happening on Twitter?

Elon finally finished the transaction to buy Twitter seemingly against his will and became its CEO. It’s only been a couple of weeks and it seems as though everything with the app and the company is in shambles already. His tweets are getting more problematic and self-absorbed by the day, and this whole story has been a nightmare to follow. But if you’re still willing to try to understand the nonsense, I’ll give you my best shot at explaining some of it.

Wait, he paid how much for Twitter?

Elon Musk is building a “super app,” and Tesla is paying for it. Musk may be the world’s richest man, but he isn’t made of money. Most of his money is in Tesla stock. So, even though he paid 44 billion dollars for Twitter, in the long term, if he doesn’t make Twitter profitable, it will compromise his position at Tesla. Also, he has been funding his Twitter venture by selling Tesla stock even after he told Tesla shareholders he was “almost done with Tesla stock sales” back in December 2021.

Wait, who still works at Twitter?

Bestie, I don’t know . . . In all seriousness, we know Elon Musk, the world’s richest man, is still there. But he’s fired a large portion of the staff, including “the former CEO Parag Agrawal, the former Chief Financial Officer Ned Segal, and the former legal affairs and policy chief Vijaya Gadde.” The second Musk took over, employees started bracing for the worst despite a lack of internal communications. Roughly 3,700 people from the 7,500 person-staff were promptly laid off. There are also about a dozen employees that have been fired because they have openly criticized Musk. In addition, key folks he hasn’t fired are resigning. It seems the workforce at Twitter is now just a shell of what it used to be. And apparently, that isn’t working because Musk has already tried to hire some people back.

Wait, so what’s happening with free speech?

Elon Musk is a loud and proud advocate of free speech, whatever that may look like to him. It seems as though, for many, it means the license to say anything, including hateful stuff. As a result, the use of racist and queerphobic slurs has increased significantly on Twitter after Musk took over. This is despite Musk tweeting, “We have actually seen hateful speech at times this week decline below our prior norms, contrary to what you may read in the press.”

Wait, if anyone can get verified, does the verification really mean anything?

No. And that’s the central issue Musk is running up against during the Twitter Blue roll-out. Anyone having the option to be verified for a monthly fee of $8 seems like an egalitarian solution, but it also means it only costs $8 to impersonate someone on the app. More on that later. So, suddenly, another set of “official” check marks people couldn’t buy was rolled out, and we were back at square one.

Wait, is anyone actually paying for Twitter Blue?

Yes, Elon Musk said, “The bird is free,” but Twitter Blue isn’t. Hopefully, this isn’t his only business plan because basic logic shows that a badly thought subscription model, that’s actually chasing away paid advertisers, will not be enough to get Twitter out of a deficit.

Wait, what are you allowed to do with your name?

Well, verification rules stopped verified accounts from being able to change their name without losing their checkmark, probably to stop impersonation. Doja Cat found this out the hard way when she changed her name to “Christmas” and realized she could no longer change it back — which prompted her to tweet, “how do I change it also fuck you elon.” I’m glad to report the issue seems to have been resolved because, at the time of writing, Doja Cat’s name on Twitter is “fart.”

Wait, who’s impersonating who?

Some users use Twitter Blue to impersonate famous people like athlete LeBron James. Others, like Kathy Griffin, used it to impersonate Elon Musk. The point of the practice was to expose the flaws in the subscription model. Users trolled Musk by tweeting things like “I am a freedom of speech absolutist and I eat doody for breakfast every day.” They also retweeted posts supporting Democrat candidates ahead of the US midterms. Given that the real Elon Musk has tweeted in support of a Republican Congress, holy moly, he did not like that. As a result, accounts that do not clearly list “parody” in their name while impersonating a celebrity are immediately suspended from the app.

Wait, whose stock is down?

The impersonation fiasco had some very real consequences for some companies. Someone used Twitter Blue to create a fake Eli Lilly account and promise free insulin. This caused the pharmaceutical company’s stock to drop by 4.5%. A Twitter user has pointed out: “it cost some hero $8 to evaporate billions in Eli Lilly stock value. Elon accidentally created one of the most cost-effective anti-capitalist tools in history.”

Wait, is Elon killing Twitter?

Only time will tell. To be fair, Twitter was already dying before he bought it. The last time it had a profitable year was in 2019. Also, “it’s smaller than all its other big competitors like Facebook or TikTok, and [. . .] there’s evidence that it’s losing some of its most prolific users internally.” One of the reasons Musk cited when he was initially trying to back out of the deal was “that based on his analysis, ‘false or spam accounts’ comprised 33% of visible accounts on the platform during the first week of July, and about 10% of its monetizable daily active users during the period.”

Wait, what’s a Mastodon?

It’s a metal band and an extinct mammal. It’s also a microblogging platform that people use as an alternative to Twitter. However, the platform is said to be complicated to use, resulting in many hilarious memes about the learning curve. Don’t worry though; there’s a YouTube video breaking it down.

Wait, does Elon Musk know what he’s doing?

Doesn’t seem like it. Although he runs multiple successful companies, this is his first time dealing with social media, which comes with “a lot of really thorny political, social, diplomatic problems.” He can’t just throw money at it and engineer his way to a successful platform. In a punchy article called “Welcome to hell, Elon,” Nilay Patel touches on just that. Musk may be a free speech absolutist, but advertisers and most users aren’t. Twitter needs advertisers and users to stay on the app to make money. Content moderation is not a question of preference; if Musk wants a profitable app, he will likely need to moderate more, not less. Advertisers will always prioritize brand safety, and that means not being associated with polarizing content and hate speech. In fact, GroupM, the “world’s leading media investment agency,” has said that buying ads on Twitter right now is “high-risk.”

Wait, what now?

I guess we wait and see. In the meantime, here are my thoughts @elonmusk:

It’s not a “digital town square” if the wealthiest man in the world owns it and bans anyone who makes a joke about him.
You can only turn Twitter into a “super app” if you can convince people to use it first.
If you want this to work out, you will have to stop tweeting and start hiring and strategizing. Maybe one of us should show up to your house with a basin to help THAT sink in.

So You Want a Career in Science

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November 25, 2022