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Stephen Harper: a man looking for love

Humour

A few candidates for this exemplary man

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ILLUSTRATION: Jackie Peng / The Peak

By: Anonymous

Justin Trudeau and Katy Perry’s glamorous Coachella fling has captured headlines across the world. It’s also got us at The Peak thinking about how Canada’s other, albeit slightly forgotten, political heartthrob is yet to find that special someone on the red carpet. With ice-cold blue eyes and a passion for austerity, I’m of course talking about Stephen Harper. To address this injustice, I’ve compiled a list of five wonderful partners who could be the rose to Stephen’s thorn and get the ultimate bachelor (but not really, because he’s married. We’ll be sure to sort that out before the knot is tied). Perhaps he can even attend the MET Gala next year . . . 

The Hamburglar 

Harper’s “tough on crime” policy approach mixed with the Hamburglar’s naughty, thieving personality could give these two lovebirds a dynamic mirrored by Batman and Catwoman . . . a real steamy and saucy love/hate relationship could be on the cards here. 

Hillary Clinton 

Hillary Clinton and Stephen Harper would be a true Romeo and Juliet story. Stephen, from Canada, Hillary from the US; the most recent Conservative prime minister and an establishment Democrat. Despite their differences, I could see these two having a romantic stroll by the Rideau Canal, giggling about their shared distrust for Bernie Sanders, and whispering sweet, neoliberal nothings. 

Judge Judy

Judge Judy interrupting one of Stephen’s stammering drawls about fiscal policy with an “I’m speaking now, sir” would elicit more of an emotional reaction out of him than the 2008 recession. These two are perfect for each other. It’s giving two Karen’s going after each other in a Karen-off.  

Katy Perry

Steve never got his revenge for Trudeau absolutely destroying him in the 2015 federal election. He cost him his job, honour, prestige, and ego boost. The ultimate form of payback? Stealing Trudeau’s gal. To be honest, he’d need a lot of rizz to fulfill this one. Sorry, Harpie Warpie. We backtrack on our recommendation. 

While Trudeau might be nabbing the front pages of the tabloids now — and making it onto your FYP on TikTok in scenes of steamy edits — Canada shouldn’t forget about our silver fox waiting in the wings for his turn in the spotlight. Beneath all of the tax breaks for the wealthy and privatization of our nations’ natural resources, Stephen Harper is just a simple guy looking for love, just like the rest of us. 

 

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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

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© The Peak Publications Society

Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society