Vancouverite’s totes necessary guide to preparing for snow

Snow? In Vancouver? Never.

Illustration of a student looking innocent and hopeful as they witness the first snow fall of the season
ILLUSTRATION: Youngin Cho / The Peak

By: C Icart, Staff Writer

Have you seen the forecast? The temperature has been dropping. I’m running out of time. For what? To prepare for my favourite Vancouverite winter hobby: pretending it never snows in the Lower Mainland! Here are my steps for getting ready! It’s so exciting!

Prepare my shocked face

It NEVER snows. So I need to spend extra time in front of the mirror practicing my Home Alone face. I’ll need to use it when I see the forecast, and it announces snow when people tell me it will snow, and most importantly when I see the snow (which I won’t because it NEVER snows).

Clear my camera roll 

I refuse to pay for iCloud, so I need to get my phone storage sorted out so I can take an absurd amount of photos IF it ever snows. Because that would be a miracle because it NEVER does, I’ll need to immortalize the moment.  

Buy earplugs

Sometimes covering my ear with my hands while someone tells me that it snows at least once every year in Vancouver is tedious. So I’ll need some earplugs for comfortable hands-free denial this winter. No one can stampede my Vancouverite Elsa dreams. 

Not buy winter tires

Are winter tires mandatory on most BC highways? Perhaps . . .  Will I be engaging in the practice of purchasing said tires even though I know I should and its safer to do so? I have all seasons, so perhaps not . . . wink.

Buy my Arcteryx jacket 

Vancouver winters are so mild, I don’t know how I would survive without a $400 jacket. 

Prepare my excited text

Must save a draft in my notes app, so I’m ready to go when (I mean IF) it inexplicably snows, and I need to show the entire world (so, like all my group chats and my social media). NO ONE has windows in this city.

Work on reflexes 

The second the impossible happens, I’ll need to run outside immediately. So I need to be READY. My Vessi’s need to be laced up at all times, so I can feel nature’s sprinkles on my face immediately. The wildest part is that the snowflakes are clearly laced with some sort of amnesia-inducing drug that will immediately make me forget the entire experience. So I MUST treasure it.