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Writer gets article published in The Peak

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EIC
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Max Hill, a communications student currently studying at Simon Fraser University, recently had this very article published in the humour section of The Peak, the school’s student newspaper. Hundreds of students have since read this article, and reception has been uniformly positive.

“I can’t even express how grateful I am,” Hill told The Peak. “I mean, I’ve thought about writing for the humour section forever, but I just never had the confidence [. . .] I’m glad I did. I’m on top of the world right now.” Hill thanked his mother for always encouraging him, as well as the many students who help to make The Peak one of Canada’s student newspapers.

According to Hill, he has been considering ideas for his first humour article for several semesters, but none of those panned out. “I had an idea for a story where SFU became infested by rabid grizzly bears, but — I mean, it’s been done before, right?” Hill also noted he wanted to write a story about a writer for The Peak interviewing himself, but dismissed this idea as “too meta.”

Recently hired humour editor Jacey Gibb similarly expressed elation at Hill’s first contribution to the paper’s section. “It’s just a really strong article,” Gibb told The Peak. “I mean, I get a lot of submissions for this section, so I have to be picky when I’m choosing what to put in the paper. But Max’s article just blew me away.” Gibb declined to comment on whether this article would be Hill’s last, but noted, “I sure hope not — I don’t want to have to write the whole section myself!”

After surveying a group of Peak readers across SFU’s Burnaby campus, the consensus seems to be that Hill’s piece was definitely “an article” and “published in this week’s issue.” Some students were even seen giggling politely while reading this piece, and others still were heard remarking to themselves that the central idea was “clever.”

Hill seemed unsurprised by these reactions. “I’m a pretty clever person,” he said. “I mean, that’s what my mom always says.” When contacted by The Peak, Hill’s mother declined to comment.

So, what’s next for Hill? When asked, he seemed hesitant to submit more articles like this one to the humour section. “I’ve been thinking about doing a follow-up story, but I’m not sure what it would be,” he said. “I mean, I don’t want to overdo the joke, right? That would just be annoying.”

For those looking to read this article, you already have.

Burger King seizes Tim Hortons through Red Wedding-style acquisition

By
EIC
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0
At the now infamous Bread Wedding, the cups runneth over with Double Doubles.

On August 26, in a move that no one could have possibly predicted — except maybe economists who have already read the books — the House of American fast-food giant Burger King announced their acquisition of Tim Hortons through a bloodied massacre.

The acquisition, which is being referred to as the Bread Wedding, reportedly cost $11.5 billion and will secure the company as the third-largest quick-service restaurant chain in all of Westeros.

“We’re very excited to announce the almost complete eradication of Tim Hortons, who I think we can all agree had it coming,” a spokesperson for Burger King told the press after the deed had been done. 

The merger thus far has garnered mixed responses, with some economists praising it for being a satisfying twist that brings Tim Hortons’ story to an ironic close; others are responding more critically, disappointed because Tim Hortons was one of their favourite fast-food restaurants.

Speculation is already running rampant on why Burger King, a subsidiary of investment firm 3G Capital, would maim and execute Tim Hortons’ employees and loved ones in cold blood instead of  following more traditional corporate merger protocol. Rumours that Burger King massacred the company to enjoy tax breaks in Canada have largely taken over nerd chatrooms across the internet.

“This arrangement isn’t about seeking out tax exemptions in a Canadian market,” said Burger King CEO Daniel Schwartz, as he wiped the blood from his trusty broadsword. “The merger is an opportunity for both companies to build off of each other’s target consumer bases and grow together.”

Despite the somewhat radical acquisition methods, Schwartz dispelled concerns that this will impact the quality of Tim Hortons products Canadians have grown to love.

“Anyone worried about how the merger will affect the watered-down, cream-overdosed coffee they’re so fond of doesn’t have anything to worry about. As long as they swear allegiance to the House of Burger King, there probably won’t be anymore bloodshed in this feud. Maybe.”

Nuclear missile codes leaked in botched nude celebrity photo hack attempt

By
EIC
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0

Inspired by last week’s infamous leaked photos of dozens of Hollywood’s top actresses, a new hack attempt of Google Drive almost caused further damage; fortunately, all that was compromised were the US’ top-secret nuclear launch codes.

The unknown Google Drive hacker initially reported on Saturday that he would be selling naked pictures of all sorts of big-time celebrities — from the likes of Angelina Jolie to Emma Watson — a ploy which ultimately failed, thanks to speedy action from the US Department of Defense (DoD).

“We sprang into action as soon as we heard about a potential hacking,” explained Dan Hendricks, a spokesperson for the DoD. “We didn’t manage to protect everything they were going after, including some government documents — a couple military secrets, launch codes, or whatever — but thankfully we stopped the world from getting a look at any more naked celebrities.”

While the Department of Defense say they understand the situation’s gravity, they believe a much bigger tragedy was avoided.

“We just couldn’t sit by and let our perfect image of Hermione be ruined like that,” Hendricks told The Peak. “They already got J-Law, those hacker bastards. Enough was enough.”

As for the nuclear launch codes, which are now available for anyone to download on popular torrent website The Pirate Bay, Hendricks says he’s not too concerned. “That part of the story has really just fallen by the wayside,” he explained nonchalantly. “Most people don’t read past the part that says there are no new naked pictures.

“You’d think somebody would’ve asked why the government put these codes in a Google document in the first place, but no one has,” Hendricks continued. “In fact, every person I’ve heard ask about the codes just wants to know if it spells ‘BOOBS’ upside-down.”

Hendricks did say that the entire affair has really opened his eyes about online privacy and the risks of putting information online: “It’s scary how easily private documents can get into the wrong hands, and we’re going to work our hardest to make sure everyone is protected. So, whether it’s secret military codes that put the lives of all Americans in jeopardy or naked pictures of yourself, we’re going to make sure they’re only seen by those who really need to: you and the government.”

Male teen confused by girl who actually came over to just watch a movie

By
EIC
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1
An action-less blockbuster

A Coquitlam teen has been left frustrated and confused after his crush agreed to watch a movie at his place, then proceeded to not make out with him.

“It doesn’t make any sense,” Derek Tanner told The Peak, immediately following the occurrence, which took place last Friday night. “I asked if she wanted to come over and watch The Amazing Spider-Man 2 and she said ‘yes.’ I don’t know how I could have made my intentions any clearer.”

The accused, Brandy Cram, reportedly came over at the time they agreed upon and brought microwave popcorn, which Tanner took as a sign that she was interested in going to second base with him. The teens then proceeded to watch all 142 minutes of the superhero action-blockbuster, completely uninterrupted by any sort of sexual advance from Cram.

“I even suggested we go to the downstairs TV room so we could be away from the rest of my family,” Tanner explained. Though Cram had never expressed any romantic interest in him prior to the hangout, Tanner claims he can’t think of any other reason why she would have agreed to come over and enjoy friendly conversation.

“Do I think she just wanted to watch The Amazing Spider-Man 2? Of course not. No one wants to watch The Amazing Spider-Man 2.”

This isn’t the first time that Cram, who’s in the same Grade 11 English class as Tanner, has been reported to hang out with guys in a platonic setting and not instigate coitus. Last September, Cram walked home with a senior from her school and laughed at some of his jokes but then continued to not invite him in afterwards for some quick intercourse. A similar incident also occurred just last month when classmate Brody Steeves invited her to the beach, where they made sand castles, swam in the water, and “didn’t even hook up once.”

At press time, Cram had not confirmed the exact details of either occurrence, but did refer to the two victims of the previous incidents as “a really funny guy” and “super nice,” respectively.

While the investigation in to Tanner’s claims is ongoing, police are urging males of all ages to not get hung up on whether or not a girl is sexually interested in them and are recommending they just enjoy platonic friendship for the rewarding experience it can be.

Pipey the Kinder Morgan Pipeline’s Beach Day Maze

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EIC
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Shuttle to take SFU students to Clan games for free

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EIC
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Now for all Clan home football games, SFU students can take a free shuttle from the Burnaby campus to Swangard stadium, a stadium near Metrotown, where SFU will play in order to make way for BuildSFU’s construction plans.

The Pepsi student shuttle leaves the upper bus loop by the Cornerstone building 90 minutes before the start of every home game. The shuttle will then return the students half an hour after the game has ended.

“With the move to Swangard this year, we recognized that it would be tough for students to get there and we wanted to solve that issue for them,” said Ben Hodge, SFU Athletic’s manager of communications and marketing.

In addition to a free shuttle, the games themselves remain free for SFU students, while tickets for youth (18 and under), seniors, and SFU staff are $2. Otherwise, tickets cost $8 for benches, while seats are $10.

Students can also participate in the Fraser Nations Rewards Program in which they are rewarded points for each game they attend, regardless of the sport. If a student attends 25 games, they will be entered into a raffle for a grand prize trip to Hawaii.

“Come to a game, it’s free admission to a game. If it’s football you get a free shuttle to the game and you can win prizes if you come,” explained Hodge. “It’s a good offer for students who are looking for things to do.”

The next shuttle leaves for Swangard stadium at 11:30 a.m. when the Clan face the Western Oregon Wolves on Saturday, September 13.

Vancouver deserves another hockey team

By
Peak Web
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The commissioner has denied expansion plans.

It’s that time of the year when hockey will soon be upon us, and it just wouldn’t be right if we didn’t start off with some good ol’ fashioned rumours.

The latest rumour is that by 2017, the NHL will have added four more franchises to the league, and even though the league has officially denied it, sports commentators are already busy talking about where these four teams may appear. According to the experts, the next expansion will feature the return of hockey to Quebec City and a second team in the Greater Toronto Area, along with new teams in Seattle and Las Vegas.

First of all, I don’t understand why Las Vegas needs a hockey team. Putting a team in the middle of the desert so far has not gone well: The newly rebranded Arizona Coyotes, for instance, are still struggling financially and are currently relying on a taxpayer subsidy to stay afloat, all amidst continued relocation rumours.

On the other hand, the nostalgic fan in me loves the idea of Quebec returning to the NHL — after all, my first NHL game was the Canucks hosting Guy LaFleur and the Nordiques at the Coliseum. As for Seattle, the addition of another team that’s actually in the Pacific Northwest might provide the Canucks with a true rival. (The Flames and the Oilers already have the battle of Alberta to worry about.)

But if we really want to provide the Canucks with a decent rivalry, why not go one step further? If Toronto can supposedly support a second NHL franchise, why not Vancouver? Both teams are known for their capacity crowds but it should be noted that the Canucks currently hold the longest active consecutive sellout streak in the NHL. Though Toronto’s Air Canada Centre can hold an extra thousand people, this is still an impressive feat.

Financially, the Canucks are also holding steady, with the fourth most valuable team in the NHL, currently valued at around $700 million. Though, normally, fourth place is nothing to write home about, it’s worth noting that the three teams leading the pack are all members of the Original Six, and that Vancouver is only $150 million out of second place. This goes to show how profitable a team in Vancouver is, and would continue to be in the future. Despite only being in the NHL since 1970, the Canucks have managed to produce one of the highest revenues, and they’ve done it without winning a championship.

Another reason why Vancouver would make an excellent destination for an expansion team is the infrastructure. With apologies to Giants fans, the Pacific Coliseum could easily be upgraded in order for NHL hockey to return. While smaller than the Canucks home across town, the Coliseum still has the capacity to seat just over 16,000 hockey fans, which is something the Giants only managed to approach a handful of times last year, with their average capacity being 38.5 per cent. For those of you who think that 16,000 is too small a number, consider that the Winnipeg Jets’ MLS Centre seats a thousand less than that.

A second franchise in Vancouver would come with a ready-made set of fans, consisting of those who feel betrayed by the Canucks’ high ticket prices, those who have been on the waiting list for seemingly ever, or those who are just tired of having a team that has not yet been able to deliver a single championship.

Who knows? Maybe we could even name the new team the Millionaires and see if they could pull off a repeat of 1915 and finally deliver Lord Stanley’s Cup to the city.

Alternatively, we could just be like Toronto who brag about their glory days even though they haven’t won anything since there were more than six teams in the league.

The Clan kick off on the right foot

By
EIC
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On a clear Thursday evening at Terry Fox Field, the SFU men’s soccer team opened their season with a 3-0 victory over the Sonoma State University Seawolves. The Clan were dominant in the first of three non-conference matchups in their schedule.

Much like in their three pre-season wins, the Clan put their feet on the gas straight away with blistering pace, dangerous set pieces, and high pressure on and off the ball.

With less than 20 minutes gone in the first half, the ball first found the back of the net after Alex Rowley’s dangerous corner kick was mishandled by the Seawolves goalkeeper Sean Taufer and Clan defender Alexander Kleefeldt pounced inside the box, seizing the opportunity.

This ignited the squad’s momentum instantly, as just moments later the men added another goal from a string of plays by some experienced squad members. Sonoma State’s set piece cross was confidently punched out by Clan keeper Brandon Watson before captain Jovan Blagojevic surged down the left wing to lay off a pass for Ryan Dhillon who had his first attempt saved by Seawolves keeper, but made no mistake on his rebound, taking the score to 2-0.

Additional pressure from Blagojevic was key to the third goal, after the attacker began cutting in from the wing with step-overs before being fouled outside the 18-yard box. The ensuing free kick attempt from the captain was tipped by freshman Niko Schroettle into the back of the net and would be SFU’s final goal.Screen Shot 2014-11-26 at 6.27.01 PM

Brandon Watson provided a fitting end to the first half highlights when the shot-stopper came out big and robbed a Seawolves penalty kick to preserve his clean sheet.  Second half proceedings included more goalkeeping heroics, but this time from the Seawolves’ Taufer, who denied a penalty kick struck from Blagojevic at the restart.

In the end, the Clan achieved their victory amidst many rough tackles and yellow cards, much to the excitement of the home crowd.

“I think we’ve come a long way since we started the beginning of pre-season,” said head coach Alan Koch. “I love the character of the group, and the willingness to win, and tonight wasn’t really our best game but I spoke to the guys at half-time and said it’s going to take a mature second half to go out there and get the result.

Clan de-claw the Bearcats

By
EIC
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0
The SFU women’s team eye up another kill.

Thursday night, the women’s volleyball team played a one-sided game against their non-conference opponents, the Columbia Bible College Bearcats, sweeping them in three sets, and improving over their 3-1 victory against them last year.

Although the Clan opened up scoring, the first set started off close, as at the first time-out the score was only 10-7 SFU; it looked as though the game truly could go either way.

After that, however, the Clan kicked into gear, winning the first set comfortably 25-17, with 14 kills.

The second set wasn’t any closer, with SFU getting out to a quick 12-5 lead. At one point they had a 13 point lead, before the Bearcats attempted to rally back before losing the set by 11. Kelley Robinson had a critical dig to secure the 24th point of the set.

In the third and ultimately final set, the Bearcats opened the scoring. It was a tight beginning, but as in the first set, the Clan pulled away and, after a while, it became apparent that the Clan’s skills were too much for the Bearcats to handle.

The Bearcats fought back hard, resulting in an incredible back and forth rally near the end of the game, but ultimately, the back and forth ended with the 22nd point for the Clan. They took the set 25-17, completing the sweep.

Screen Shot 2014-11-26 at 6.23.26 PMStatistically, the Clan were lead by Devon May and Brooklynn Gould-Bradbury. May was the focal point of their attack, with 12 kills and many chances to add to that total, while Gould-Bradbury provided the perfect set-up throughout the night, with 30 of the team’s 41 assists.

Despite her team’s relative ease in handling the Columbia Bible College Bearcats, May still sees room for improvement.

“There’s always a thousand things to improve on,” she said, after the game. “We’ll look at the stats from our coach and she’ll tell us what our passing percentage and hitting percentage was, but I think mainly it’s limiting errors when it’s still early in the season. It’s easy to make those mistakes but I think that [change] will come later in the season.”

In all, it was a good start for the Clan. Fans will most certainly hope that this is a preview of what they will see night in and night out against their GNAC rivals.

It’s the most wonderful time of the year

By
EIC
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With the offseason moves by new management, Canucks fans have reason to be optimistic.

It’s one of the most exciting times of the year. No, not because school starts (although there is certainly excitement to be had, I’d rather be on a beach), but because it’s hockey season.

Perhaps I should clarify: it’s not just because it’s hockey season, but more specifically, it’s before hockey season. It’s the time before the season begins, before any colossal meltdown, before any hard-nosed coach who produces interesting sound bites turns out to be probably the wrong choice.

All we have now is an abundance of new prospects, completely new management who seems to take action, a promising new coach, and a bunch of interesting signings. At this point, there is none of the drama that develops throughout the season, nor has any free agent turned out to be overpaid and ineffective, and there’s still the chance that some prospects could make the team this year.

As of this moment, we can still believe that the team could be a playoff contender; whether it stays that way throughout the season is hard to say, but right now everything looks good. For now, we can just bask in the glory of optimism.

With that being said, perhaps you’re reading this as a cynical column suggesting that the pre-season is the only time for optimism. But that’s far from the truth, as I am legitimately excited for the Canucks’ season.

At this point in the season, it feels like the Canucks could do anything, and truthfully they could. It’s certainly possible that last year was a minor blip, perhaps brought on by the wrong coach for the job.

And the truth is, they have certainly made enough moves to radically change the team, for good or bad. I think they certainly could be a contender this year, and it seems that a retool rather than a rebuild may be possible.

Also, the truth could be the other way around. Perhaps they are a team on the eve of a rebuild. But really, that’s the fun, you just don’t know. I’ll be watching, that’s for sure.

(A)side Jab: It’s rather humorous that the Maple Leafs are going after all the Canucks’ old pieces having signed Mike Santorelli, David Booth, and last year signing Mason Raymond. I don’t want to diss on these guys because I like them as players, but I’ll just say it’s an interesting strategy.

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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

Contact us: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society 1965-2024

Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

Contact us:
[email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society 1965-2024