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Burger King seizes Tim Hortons through Red Wedding-style acquisition

Humour
EIC
EIC
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At the now infamous Bread Wedding, the cups runneth over with Double Doubles.

On August 26, in a move that no one could have possibly predicted — except maybe economists who have already read the books — the House of American fast-food giant Burger King announced their acquisition of Tim Hortons through a bloodied massacre.

The acquisition, which is being referred to as the Bread Wedding, reportedly cost $11.5 billion and will secure the company as the third-largest quick-service restaurant chain in all of Westeros.

“We’re very excited to announce the almost complete eradication of Tim Hortons, who I think we can all agree had it coming,” a spokesperson for Burger King told the press after the deed had been done. 

The merger thus far has garnered mixed responses, with some economists praising it for being a satisfying twist that brings Tim Hortons’ story to an ironic close; others are responding more critically, disappointed because Tim Hortons was one of their favourite fast-food restaurants.

Speculation is already running rampant on why Burger King, a subsidiary of investment firm 3G Capital, would maim and execute Tim Hortons’ employees and loved ones in cold blood instead of  following more traditional corporate merger protocol. Rumours that Burger King massacred the company to enjoy tax breaks in Canada have largely taken over nerd chatrooms across the internet.

“This arrangement isn’t about seeking out tax exemptions in a Canadian market,” said Burger King CEO Daniel Schwartz, as he wiped the blood from his trusty broadsword. “The merger is an opportunity for both companies to build off of each other’s target consumer bases and grow together.”

Despite the somewhat radical acquisition methods, Schwartz dispelled concerns that this will impact the quality of Tim Hortons products Canadians have grown to love.

“Anyone worried about how the merger will affect the watered-down, cream-overdosed coffee they’re so fond of doesn’t have anything to worry about. As long as they swear allegiance to the House of Burger King, there probably won’t be anymore bloodshed in this feud. Maybe.”

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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society