Nuclear missile codes leaked in botched nude celebrity photo hack attempt

Inspired by last week’s infamous leaked photos of dozens of Hollywood’s top actresses, a new hack attempt of Google Drive almost caused further damage; fortunately, all that was compromised were the US’ top-secret nuclear launch codes.

The unknown Google Drive hacker initially reported on Saturday that he would be selling naked pictures of all sorts of big-time celebrities — from the likes of Angelina Jolie to Emma Watson — a ploy which ultimately failed, thanks to speedy action from the US Department of Defense (DoD).

“We sprang into action as soon as we heard about a potential hacking,” explained Dan Hendricks, a spokesperson for the DoD. “We didn’t manage to protect everything they were going after, including some government documents — a couple military secrets, launch codes, or whatever — but thankfully we stopped the world from getting a look at any more naked celebrities.”

While the Department of Defense say they understand the situation’s gravity, they believe a much bigger tragedy was avoided.

“We just couldn’t sit by and let our perfect image of Hermione be ruined like that,” Hendricks told The Peak. “They already got J-Law, those hacker bastards. Enough was enough.”

As for the nuclear launch codes, which are now available for anyone to download on popular torrent website The Pirate Bay, Hendricks says he’s not too concerned. “That part of the story has really just fallen by the wayside,” he explained nonchalantly. “Most people don’t read past the part that says there are no new naked pictures.

“You’d think somebody would’ve asked why the government put these codes in a Google document in the first place, but no one has,” Hendricks continued. “In fact, every person I’ve heard ask about the codes just wants to know if it spells ‘BOOBS’ upside-down.”

Hendricks did say that the entire affair has really opened his eyes about online privacy and the risks of putting information online: “It’s scary how easily private documents can get into the wrong hands, and we’re going to work our hardest to make sure everyone is protected. So, whether it’s secret military codes that put the lives of all Americans in jeopardy or naked pictures of yourself, we’re going to make sure they’re only seen by those who really need to: you and the government.”