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When autocorrect helps the devil steal your girl

Humour

Why do dating apps have to be so complicated?

Peak Web
Peak Web
2 min.
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PHOTO: Damir Khabirov / Adobe Stock

By:  Katie Walkley, Peak Associate

Chad: Hey weirdo!

Chad: *Wanda

Wanda: hey chad! strange typo, lol. how r u?

Chad: I’m alright. Feeling hyped to go see some dead cats tonight!

Wanda: ew . . . wtf?

Chad: Jazz cats! I’m going to a new jazz bar that just opened up.

Wanda: hm OK then . . .

Wanda: so on ur profile it says u go to SFU? me too! Chad: Which cum piss is your favourite? I love the Vancouver one.

Chad: *cum piss

Wanda: what the hell r u talking about?

Chad: *cum piss

Chad: Omfg.

Chad: *campus

Wanda: i don’t think this is autocorrect i think you’re just a creep

Chad: Please just give me another chancellor.

Chad: *chance

Wanda: fine, but only because my psychic said I would meet the love of my life today. so, what do u do in ur spare time?

Chad: Contra obscuro hoc spirtuum justa ad faciendam voluntatem meam.

Chad: Hold on how did that even happen??

Chad: I meant to say that I volunteer saving animals and babies in my spare time . . . 

Beelzebublover69: WHO HATH SUMMONED I TO THIS AWKWARD ENCOUNTER?

Chad: This friggin flip phone . . .

Chad: Wait what? Who are you?

Beelzebublover69: I’m literally the devil, dawg. What else would I be? Are you pranking me right now? You disturbed my slumber. Also what the hell does cum piss even mean?

Wanda: hey, sorry I wasn’t responding. i was just bench pressing.

Wanda: how is there a third person in this chat now? is that even possible?

Beelzebublover69: I don’t know how I got here, but man it sure stinks like weakness in this place. At least eternal damnation has some HEAT . . .  am I right, Wanda?

Wanda: LMAO wait ur actually so funny im dead

Beelzebublover69: Oh stahppp, you’re not dead yet. 😉 

Wanda: hey, wanna to go out sometime? Some perv was just telling me about a new jazz bar in town. we should check it out. 😉

Chad: Wait, that was me!! STOP IGNORING ME!

Beelzebublover69: That sounds wonderful!

Wanda: you know, i think i’ll finally be able to leave this dating app thanks to you

Beelzebublover69: Oh Goddess (my lord and saviour Trisha Paytas), am I in a dating app right now? 

Wanda: yes?

Beelzebublover69: NOOOOOOOO SAVE ME SATAN!! RESCUE ME FROM THIS HEATHENLESS WASTELAND AND BRING ME BACK TO HELL!!!

Wanda: take me with you! 

Wanda and Beelzebublover69 both blocked Chad and lived happily ever after in a situationship marriage held together by a shared taste in TikToks. Chad threw away his flip phone and quit his dopamine detox to pursue the more promising life of Clash Royale. Satan silently congratulated himself for his genius wingmanship and continued to manipulate autocorrect to get his homies to quit complaining about the dating scene. And with that, the chances of dating app success more than doubled for mortals and fiends alike.

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© The Peak Publications Society

Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society