By: Kaja Antic, Sports Writer
As a seasoned driver in the Lower Mainland, I have spent many hours stuck behind a variety of vehicles. Whether it’s on the slow crawl up Burnaby Mountain or navigating the increasingly ridiculous Fraser Highway construction, certain cars piss me off to no extent when they pull in front of me.
Teslas. All of ‘em
This one should be obvious, but in case I have to spell it out for you, it’s like driving a Volkswagen in the early ‘40s. You probably bought it before the Tesla CEO started saluting, but I’m still judging. That car would have its namesake, Nikola Tesla, rolling in his grave. The “smart car” makes all its operators worse drivers. Oh also, exploding batteries.
Tesla drivers are so bad that even on autopilot, the car veers to hit pedestrians. The cars are also just unpredictable to drive behind due to their very sensitive brake and not-gas pedal controls. Also, most of them are plain ugly, especially if they have a wrap. Any matte wrap? Right to jail, right away.
Special note to Cybertrucks, you exceptionally suck. Your “truck” looks like an unfinished project in a Woodworking 9 class. I’ve seen less blocky Minecraft worlds than this shit. Also would like to send a particular fuck you to the Cybertruck that resides near 232nd and 56th; you have cut me off multiple times over the past few months, and for that I hate you specifically.
Special note to Cybertrucks, you exceptionally suck. Your “truck” looks like an unfinished project in a Woodworking 9 class. I’ve seen less blocky Minecraft worlds than this shit.
Kia Souls
I do not respect you. How do you respect yourselves? You drive hamster cars. Fellow members of the Kia Soul Hate Clan rise up. I know y’all are out there.
Lifted pick-up trucks
I spend most of my time driving in Langley and, unfortunately, find myself in between lifted pickup trucks quite often. Whoever is driving these, I can assure you you do not need a lifted truck. You live in suburban Aldergrove, not Tumbler Ridge. Knock your wheels down a peg; you’re doing way too much honey! No one can see past you and your “Fuck Trudeau” stickers, it’s unsafe!
Transport trucks with questionable cargo
I’ve never actually seen any of the Final Destination movies, but I do have an anxiety disorder. Driving behind any trucks with a math-question amount of cargo from logs to propane tanks is automatically setting off alarms in my brain. Zoloft can only do so much! Even driving within a 10-metre radius of these vehicles gets my heart rate up. This hater entry is mainly due to worrying for my and my emotional support water bottle’s safety!
Cars that drive without THEIR LIGHTS ON
This one is illegal, I’m pretty sure, but I see it EVERY TIME it rains, or when it gets dark early. MAKE! SURE! YOUR! LIGHTS! ARE! FULLY! ON! Headlights: turned up all the way. Rearlights: only turn on when step one is complete. It’s like you’re asking to be rear-ended, no one can see you if it’s dark or foggy or Vancouver has its weather on default rain. Getting a surprise in front of me when I see sudden brake lights is not fun!
It’s not sufficient for alerting drivers behind you that you exist on the road ahead of them, especially on the highway. If it gets dark at 4:00 p.m., turn your lights on. If it’s foggier than the two–hour slot in The Hunger Games: Catching Fire game arena, turn your lights on. If Highway One is throwing 2024 Sao Paulo Grand Prix levels of rain spray up, turn your damn lights on! If you intentionally drive with your headlights or taillights only semi-turned on or not turned on at all, I hope you hit all the potholes that exist on both sides of the Fraser <3.
