By: Cam Darting, Peak Associate and C Icart, Humour Editor
Dear Peakie,
As you know, July is Disability Pride Month. So, obviously, we want to do something in solidarity with disabled people across the province. To observe this month, we’ve actually committed to the growth of the disability community. To do this, we’re going further than our current policy of not requiring masks in healthcare settings and banning them altogether! After all, isn’t taking measures to avoid becoming disabled actually ableist? How do we respond to all the haters?
Sincerely,
Ministry of Health
Dear Ministry of Health,
Wow, that is all I can say, to be honest. First, thank you; you all are doing god’s work. Living people do not go to heaven! Everyone knows MASKS DON’T DO ANYTHING (I wore mine under my nose and took it off for long periods of time during a sold-out concert, but I still got sick, so that’s proof). I hope this applies to doctors, too, because why are they being so dramatic?!?! You do not need to be doing all that during a surgery, girly. Let the infectious diseases roam free! Also, you set a new standard — it’s basically a personal choice to wash your hands now, anyways! My advice is don’t respond to the haters. They’ll thank you when everyone’s getting sick.
You all are going to heaven,
Peakie
Dear Peakie,
There are too many sports. I can’t keep up with all these tournaments! The Olympics have started, and then there’s soccer (oh wait, football? No . . . football just ended . . .), basketball, and probably some others. People keep asking me if I’ve watched the game, if I’m going to the game, or who I’m rooting for. None of these athletes are my kids; why would I watch them play their little games with their friends? How do I explain to my friends and family that I’m allergic to sports talk?
Sincerely,
Not a jock
Dear Not a jock,
I’m so sorry everyone in your friends and family is a sporty spice. Sports are sooooo weird. People are running even when people aren’t chasing them; they’re intentionally ramming into each other despite the concussion risk, and some of the sports with the most homophobic cultures are the most homoerotic. But don’t worry, you do know sports! You’ve seen High School Musical hundreds of times. When people ask you about the game, all you have to say is, “Yes! It was so inspirational when Troy Bolton and his teammates sang and danced to help them get their head in the game!”
Athletically,
Peakie
Dear Peakie,
Who do I petition to get more women’s sports? The WNBA has been just absolutely riveting recently. Canada is getting its first professional women’s soccer league, and obviously women’s tennis never disappoints! As a young girl, if I had seen more badass women being at the top of their sport on my TV I would’ve definitely realized I was queer sooner. How do I convince ESPN to stop airing men’s golf to make more time for women’s sports? This is how we end lesbophobia!
Sincerely,
I listened to Chappell Roan before she blew up
Dear I listened to Chappell Roan before she blew up,
I totally agree with you; if there were more women’s sports on TV growing up, maybe I would’ve been straight (just kidding, that’s not how that works)! Anyway, I love hacker movies and I’ve probably absorbed so much knowledge from them. Give me a day or two to hack into the mainframe (they always say that in movies) and poof! All the channels in the world will be airing women’s sports forever!
Shout out to the sporty sapphics,
Peakie
