By: Cam Darting, SFU Student

I think it’s time to move to a different city and start anew. Everyone around me is a fake ally. It’s been 4,320 minutes since May turned into June, and nobody has wished me a happy Pride Month. No Skittles, no rainbow flags, and not even a mere “YASS QUEEN.” In times like this, I ask myself, why did I even come out of the closet? OK, to be fair, I never really had to because my wrists have been bent since birth, but still . . .

Here are some ways you can be like Valentina and be an ally this pride season!

First up, give your rainbow friend money. Did you know 2SLGBTQIA+ people generally earn less than their heterosexual counterparts? How devastating is that? Fuck systemic change, the only way to make things better is if YOU, the cishet friend or family member, do something about it. Slide a minimum of $200 to your “special” friend. If you don’t, you’re contributing to the problem and don’t want to see queer people have rights. Sorry, I don’t make up the rules.

Second, buy them a car. But why a car? Easy, to give your rainbow friend freedom. Do you know how suffocating it is to be locked in a closet for most of your life? Well let me tell you, it is not fun. It’s dark, it’s lonely and, for me, the worst part was not being able to wear cunty ass crop tops. This is all trauma a hetero will never understand which is why you need to buy your fruity friend or family member a car. 

Thirdly, pay for their septum piercing. Nothing says 2SLGBTQIA+ more than a piercing that makes you look like a cow. It’s a canon event for us rainbowed people. Enough said. Don’t question the gay while it’s his month.

That’s that, folks. Those are the ONLY three ways you can show your support during Pride Month. If you can’t do any of those three things, you’re anti-2SLGBTQIA+ and you want to see the community fail. How terrible is that? You are the one and only problem.

Anyways . . . happy Pride to everyone and I’ll see you all in hell <3 — JK 😉