By: Izzy Cheung, Staff Writer
January: The Peak will NOT publish an issue to start the semester
Face it — everyone’s tired, we’re still hungover from the holidays, and another semester is about to start. We’re not doing any work. My brain feels like it’s been run over by a Ford F-150. Y’all won’t be hearing from us this week, end of story. Yay.
February: Another day in February introduced
February 29? We don’t know her. Say hello to February 30, y’all! Unlike February 29, February 30 will be here to stay, regardless of whether or not it’s a leap year. Yay!
March: St. Patrick’s Day causes people to dye their hair green
Have you ever dyed your hair and had it get all over your fingers, pillowcase, and everywhere else? Yeah, me neither. If you’re taking part in St. Patrick’s Day celebrations, you’ll get a sudden urge to dye your hair green for some reason — and the result will be green, green, green everywhere! Yay!
April: Yay!
Yay!
May: Shaving cream outfits become a TikTok trend
What do I mean by shaving cream, you ask? Instead of clothes, individuals will be using shaving cream to dress themselves. With shaving cream, you’ll have versatility in the outfits you wear. No need to spend money on a particular top when you can grab a can of shaving cream and make your own. Yay!
June: Another sub goes missing
In June of 2023, a sub went missing after some billionaires decided they wanted to see the Titanic. In 2024, another sub will go missing — one that’s near and dear to the SFU community’s hearts. Yes, the beloved Student Union Building will up and disappear out of thin air. Why? I don’t know. Yay!
July: The winter snow makes a return
Climate change doesn’t exist, so snow will come to Vancouver in July. The snow will fly from Antarctica to Vancouver via Flair Airlines (checked bags not included). Instead of a gradual drop, all of it will fall from the plane at once, coating the province in a thick layer of snow that we’re forced to live in for the entire month. The minute August hits, all of it will melt. Yay!
August: A tree will magically grow in the middle of West Mall Centre
Sometime in the middle of August, in an attempt to skip exams, a student will plant a tree in their lecture hall. However, they will mix the tree-planting with magic, which will cause the tree to grow at an alarming rate, engulfing the university in branches and leaves.
Humour editor: Really? That’s your entry?
Izzy: I don’t know, I’m tired. I want a nap.
Humour editor: Goodbye.
September: New wave of freshmen are actually aliens
I don’t know about you all, but hearing that this year’s high school graduating class was born in 2006 makes me feel like yelling at a cloud (and I’m not even that old). To cope with this fact, I’ve decided that this year’s graduating class are all aliens. You’re welcome. Yay!
October: Single people riot after seeing yet another “boyfriend day” post on October 3
I feel like this one is self-explanatory, but I’ll explain it anyway. Post after post after post of “boyfriend day” causes all the single people to delete Instagram and throw their phones off bridges in one collective ceremonial act. Seeing happy couples is something bound to make a single person vomit in their mouth — trust me, I know. October 2024 is when this uproar will finally reach its peak. Yay!
November: Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up
Thick in the midst of a playoff race, Taylor Swift will interrupt a Kansas City Chiefs game to sing one of her many breakup ballads right in Travis Kelce’s face. The result? Millions of Swifties flooding the field in protest, effectively helping the opposing team win their game. Whoever plays the Chiefs on November 21 . . . congratulations, Swifties just won you a game. Yay!
December: Students will finish their papers
Congrats! You’ll finish your paper which is due on December 23 . . . but back in 2023. Sure, it’ll only take you an entire year to finish, but at least you’ll get it done! If 5% is taken off your grade per day between the due date and the date you hand it in, I wonder what your final mark on that paper will be. Yay!
