By: C Icart, Humour Editor

Alright, some serious backpack slander happened in this paper last week, and we’re not just going to lie down and take it. Who is we, you ask? Everyone sensible enough to know that backpacks are vastly superior to tote bags. 

First of all, we’re not even surprised you couldn’t get your bag facts straight when you’re busy walking around looking like the leaning Tower of Pisa with your overflowing tote weighing you down on one side. 

We don’t even know why you call that thing a tote, and not a bucket, because walking around with an OPEN BAG in Metro Raincouver is a rookie mistake. Call us old school, but we will be putting books, pencil cases, and notebooks in our backpacks. We won’t be giving all our precious marginalia a bath just because we want to cosplay as wealth hoarders. You’re busy spreading tote bag propaganda, thinking you ate, and we’re busy eating the rich. We are not the same.  

Second of all, you mentioned Aritzia twice in your backpack misinformation piece. Why is that? Are you on their payroll? Hope not. We heard their company culture is yikes. Either way, you won’t catch us or our backpacks in the Hunger Games arena that is the Aritzia Warehouse Sale. 

Riddle us this: how is a backpack a crime against fashion, but wearing the same dingy canvas tote as everyone on the SkyTrain is not? We’re prison abolitionists, but we’d make an exception for that for sure. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, you feel us?

Backpacks aren’t ugly just because you don’t know how to style them. Call us, and we can give you some pointers. “Backpacks give 15-year-old in high school?” Nah, calling people broke because they don’t follow the specific trend you saw once on TikTok is what’s truly giving childish. 

Third of alllll, if your crush laughs at you because you got a little sweat on your back from your bag, you can go right ahead and demote them to “person whose name I cannot be bothered to remember.” Hotties DO NOT have crushes on judgemental people. Also, we never thought we would say this, but you’re so right! Tote bags don’t cause back sweat; they cause neck and shoulder pain. Maturing is realizing that health and comfort trump trying to convince strangers you’re cool. 

So, the moral of the story is not that “tote bags are Chanel, while backpacks are Coach.” Actually, the famous Nazi informant Coco Chanel once said, “Before you leave the house, look in the mirror and take one thing off.” So, we care a liiiittle less about her advice. Our advice to all the backpack haters is: Before you leave the house, look in the mirror, and TAKE THAT TOTE BAG OFF. 

Thanks for coming to our TED Talk. mic drop