By: C Icart, Humour Editor

Sooooo, we just met, but I just KNOW we’re soulmates. No, for real! What can I say? I’m an Aries; I’m passionate! So initially, I was sort of seeing pads and tampons, but they are NOT cheap dates, let me tell you. Plus, I saw the Riverdale finale, and that got me thinking maybe I could be in my quad era. But then I realized that, just like the Riverdale writers, I don’t know anything about polyamory. So, I’m sticking to casual dating and monogamy instead. 

Oh boy, the first day I didn’t need multiple bathroom breaks to switch my pad, I KNEW I was ready to settle down. Our romance is as steamy as the boiling water I sanitize you in. Our love is as deep as the squat I have to do to insert you. Our relationship is as secure as how your rim fits behind my pubic bone. 

So far, you’ve been hella reliable. I won’t lie to you. At first, I was scared. I’ve been burned before! You get close, let your guard down, and the next thing you know, you’ve accidentally stained your friend’s couch! So, what am I supposed to do? Just blindly trust this piece of silicone? Nah, I did tell you that if you wanted to be my lover, there’d be a probation period (get it?). I was still going to see my period underwear at the same time. What? I needed to keep my options open.

That’s always the most challenging part, you know, learning to trust again. But you’ve been helping me grow as a person. Before you, I didn’t know how to tuck things behind my pubic bone. And who knew the cervix was all the way back there??? What? Was I supposed to be listening in health class? Until now, I’d kind of always been a long nailed-lesbian (yes, we exist!), but you’ve been making me reconsider. Taking you out requires a bit more finesse than my claws can provide. I’ve got to treat you right; you are a bit of a diva (get it?).

You’re not clingy at all. I can wait up to 12 hours before checking on you, and you don’t start making a mess to get my attention. But at the same time, we do everything together: sleep, work out, shower . . . I have a feeling we’re going to go on A LOT of dates in the upcoming months. #IrregularPeriodLife. 

Oop, sorry! I just got your text saying you’re ready to help me ride the crimson wave again. See you soon!