By: Hannah Banana Hammock, Staff Writer
Have you ever thought about what the world would be like if sex toys could talk? Well luckily for you, I did the cursed imagining for you! The Peak kindly requests that Hannah’s mom doesn’t find this piece and if she does, to close her eyes immediately.
SOME COLLEGE TOWN IN MIDDLE AMERICA
Four roommates, ALEX (21), CHELSEA (23), KIERA (19), and MADISON (21). RYAN (22), boyfriend of MADISON, also pretty much lives there except he doesn’t pay rent. He just never leaves. The Secret Life of (Sex)Toys follows the favourite sex toys of each roommate. In this episode, the toys tell all and spill their dirtiest secrets on the ladies (and RYAN).
8-inch Rainbow Thrust
ALEX’s toy of choice
(voiceover)
ALEX is so fun! They play with all the settings and knows exactly how to make the most of every inch. I like to go “bzzzz bzzzz bzzzz bz bz bz bz bzzzz” until their hearing goes and their vision is blurry. But I do get (sexually) frustrated when they wait too long in between rounds. Vibes have needs, too!!
Magic Wand
CHELSEA’s toy of choice
(voiceover)
I know you like to have fun, but CHELSEA, girl! REMEMBER TO WASH YOUR VIBRATORS! I have nightmares . . .
The toys laugh. MAGIC WAND shivers, looking wanly at the soap suds in the sink.
Lipstick Bullet Vibe
KIERA’s toy of choice
(voiceover)
KIERA bought me, like, forever ago but was too nervous to use me, so I sat suffocated in her closet for two years. Two years! That’s cruel and unusual punishment if you ask me. She’s started leaving me out in her room. I blend in with the rest of her makeup. Slayyy for being bold! KIERA gets a little nervy sometimes, which is fine, but I personally feel uncomfy when she uses me while wearing the pj’s her mom got her for Christmas six years ago. They have butterflies on them and the butterflies don’t want to see KIERA like that.
Vibrating Cock Ring & Couple’s Long Distance Vibe
MADISON’s toy of choice
(voiceover)
MADDIE and RYAN aren’t long distance, but WOW, do they love to have a good time! We had a dream about them once. They went for Mexican for margs and brought us with them, and let’s just say . . . things got spicy pretty fast. We do have to say, though, they tend to favour us, the couple’s vibe, more than the cock ring. That’s no fun. Cock rings need love, too.🥰
As COCK RING and COUPLE’S LONG DISTANCE VIBE were wrapping up their interview, we heard the door to the apartment start to open. All the toys instantly stopped buzzing and went limp on the floor, awaiting the next moment of fun.
Stay tuned for the next episode of where we meet the butt plugs of the group!
