By: Hannah Kazemi, Staff Writer, Bitter and Critical
Aries
You started listening to Christmas music as soon as the clock striked midnight on November 1st. We know you do it to cope with the impending doom that comes with finals season at the end of the month, but please. The Stars firmly believe in Nothing-Christmas-Until-December-1st. Save us all the annoyance of having Mariah Carey’s voice stuck replaying in our heads, just a little while longer.
Taurus
You decided to treat yourself last week and engage in some much needed retail therapy. The mistake you made, however, was spending your whole paycheck on said retail therapy. The Stars can’t really be that mad at you for that, because it’s what we expected. This is a classic Taurus move. Perhaps investing into a savings account will mitigate future disappointment in you, Taurus dear.
Gemini
You just finished binge-watching your fourth Netflix original this week. It’s only Tuesday, and the pile of work you have to do before Friday keeps growing exponentially. The Stars desperately want to see you focus on something other than shitty acting. In the spirit of Kim Kardashian, get your ass up and work.
Cancer
You slayed this week, Cancer. You only went to Starbucks five out of seven days this week, which is an improvement — but the Stars want to see more progress. Try investing in a Nespresso instead and become your own barista. Or get a tub of Folgers and milk — the Stars think you can afford to get creative with your coffee!
Leo
The Stars want you to get aggressive this week, Leo. Put on your Bad Bitch™️ outfit (all black, heeled boots, and a slicked-back ponytail) and assert your dominance over literally everyone. You want them to know that you make the rules and won’t take shit from anybody this week.
Virgo
You beat your friends in Mario Kart and now you think you’re a better driver than them. Lose the superiority complex and go take your N test for the fifth time. Maybe this time you’ll actually pass!
Libra
You pay with cash instead of your card whenever you go to a coffee shop and order your emotional support drinkie drink. You think cash isn’t real money so whatever you buy with it is actually free. Logic. Smart. Very big brain. No flaws. The Stars continue to marvel at your naïvete.
Scorpio
The Stars have no notes for you this week, Scorpio. You’ve made a discernible effort to ✨spice up✨ your social life (studied at a café instead of your bedroom), made friends (said more than two words to the barista), and voyaged into nature (walked to the café instead of driving). It’s . . . so odd to feel listened to for once, but you did listen to the Stars (for some reason). Keep slaying, babe!
Sagittarius
No, it’s not okay for you to avoid every single responsibility ever in favour of binging The Real Housewives of New Jersey. I’m all for keeping up with people who haven’t the slightest clue about who you are, but this is getting absurd.
Capricorn
You girlbossed a bit too close to the sun and accepted invites to more themed parties than you can handle this week. Now you have to come up with five obscure costumes for five different themes, and make them sexy — what’s the point of dressing up if you can’t make it sexy?!
Aquarius
You fell behind this week and ended up submitting an assignment three days late. That’s okay — the Stars commend you for your hard work anyways. What they don’t commend, however, is the infrequency at which you check your email. The prof let the class know of an extension the day the assignment was due, but silly you. You didn’t know. The Stars are really saying, “fuck around and find out.”
Pisces
You’re entering your grandma era, I see. Staying in bed longer each morning, saying “no” to invites if they require you to be out of your house past 9:00 p.m., wrapping yourself in crochet sweaters, all of the comfy grandma things.
