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Humour

In codes and followers

Peak Web
Peak Web
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ILLUSTRATION: Cliff Ebora / The Peak

By: Zainab Salam, Groom-in-Loading

Dearly beloved, we’re gathered here today to join this couple in holy matrimony. Marriage is a beautiful union between these lovers, who cherish each other dearly. Please join hands and face each other. 

The groom begins: 

My sweet love, the day that I met you I clearly saw our future together. I saw every smile, every laughter, every detail. All thanks to VisionLens for their excellent service. From eyewear to contacts, VisionLens offers all that is needed to enhance your vision. Visit VisionLens within a week of today to receive a full vision check up with the code, “Happy Newlyweds.”

You bring me happiness and light. I vow to protect you with my body, while Internet Security Software shields our virtual world from the harms of the cyber world. Internet Security Software offers a range of cyber services: from protecting your online information to securing your bank information. Internet Security Software offers necessary protection for this modern world. 

Your beauty shines through majestically. I can’t say I have seen a more captivating smile. Use the code “Wedding Vows,” for 20% off your next visit to SmileBright Dentistry for shiny clean teeth. SmileBright Dentistry provides complete oral health-care. This care ranges from teeth whitenings to cleanings and other dental needs. 

I vow to love you through sickness and health, wealth and poverty, and whatever unexpected challenges life brings us. Just as SecureHouse Insurance delivers to their customers. SecureHouse Insurance promises and delivers comprehensive house coverage for your home’s important moments. If you subscribe to their service in the next three hours, you can get a month for free, with the link provided in our wedding invite. Thank you SecureHouse Insurance for sponsoring the two-tier cake for our reception! We know we couldn’t do it without your support. 

My dear, I love the way you dream. I vow to always support you on this little journey called life. Whether you want to open a bakery, climb mountains — though I have to say, our marriage will be our very own Mount Everest — or finally finish writing your three-page dissertation, I’ll be the helping hand. Like our Premium Plus Cloud Storage subscription: reliable, secure, and dependable. Good for all your cloud storage needs. Now, offered for $10.99 for a limited time. 

Finally, I would like to declare in front of all of our loved ones in-person, and all of our viewers watching from the comfort of their homes: I love you today and I love you tomorrow. Here’s to a life full of wins.   

 

 

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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

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For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society

Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society