By: Marie Jen Galilo, Master Mixologist

If there’s something we can all agree on, it’s that 8:00 a.m. classes and exams should be banned. Period. Now, if you’re that oddball who doesn’t mind morning agony . . .  just . . . shame. 

As for the rest of us sleep-deprived non-earlybirds, we know how much willpower it takes to leave the comfort of our beds and humble lodgings for a class with required attendance. While it can’t take all your sorrows away, the perfect drink could perhaps provide you with enough solace to make classes at the dreadful hour of 8:00 a.m. more bearable. Select the drink recipe that best tickles your fancy or just feeds into your chaotic energy: 

The Spiteful Student Seltzer — forget aesthetics. Sometimes you just need a drink that gets you. If you’re looking for a drink that physically represents your overwhelming malice for the students who live on campus and don’t have to commute, this one’s for you. Combine: 

• 1 bag of ketchup chips. Channel all your rage into crushing the bag of chips with your left foot, then immerse the rim of your glass in your tears to create an adhesive force for those zesty crumbs of red fury. 
• 8 oz of room temperature, overly-rebrewed black coffee that you stole from found when accidentally stumbling into the staff lounge (it’s a crime to pay for a cup of black coffee).
• 1 can of flavourless sparkling water that’s as bleak as 8:00 a.m. mornings.
• Pickle slices from Triple O’s with an extra side of pickle juice. This is to represent how sour life’s got you feeling (those early morning classes really got you feeling like you’re “in a pickle”).
• Mix thoroughly and enjoy.

The A+++ Elixir — you always say you’re gonna be an academic weapon this time around. It’s time to stop making empty promises (the truth hurts) and put those words into action. The following recipe is given by the wisest, oldest koi fish in the reflection pond who knows what it takes to make it out of here alive.

• The book pages from your readings/textbook: you don’t even need to lie about a dog eating your homework — you can just be honest and say that you did. Pro tip: blowtorch the pages for that exquisite roast paper flavour. 
• A box of Nerds candy: you are what you eat.   
• 1 can of Monster Energy: time to unleash the academic beast hiding within. 
• 1 stubby piece of lecture hall chalk to make a chalky cold foam that reeks of wisdom.

Sweet Treat on Repeat — Carbs = energy, and you need a LOT of that. We also know that daily sweet treats are a must, so why not have a bunch of them conveniently combined in a single sugar-loaded drink, first thing in the morning to start the day right? 

• 10 slices 1 slice of Renaissance Coffee’s banana bread: the ultimate final boss of loaf cakes, and the only one strong enough to give us that early start-of-the-day motivation.
• Ice cream from the AQ robot ice cream machine: nothing like a robot-assisted brain freeze to shock yourself into a wakeful state.
• 1 can of the nearest neon-coloured energy drink that you can get your hands on: caffeine is bare minimum on those mornings. If it’s neon green we can pretend it’s healthy . . . right?
• A Big Daddy Double Chocolate Cookie from the vending machine: a gigantic cookie a day keeps the doctor away, or something like that. 

You’re now equipped with the knowledge of how to concoct three majestic drinks that’ll give you the strength you need to power through your early morning classes. With your chosen beverage in hand, it’s time to step out into the world and show those awful morning classes who the real boss is (AKA you).