By: Maya Barillas Mohan, Peakie-in-Residence and Mason Mattu, Humour Editor
Dear Peakie,
Yesterday, while taking a bike ride next to Stanley Park, I ran into my mom. We aren’t on speaking terms after she tried to rent out my room (while I was still living in it). Instead of engaging, I pretended like I had no clue who she was. Was this nonchalant enough? What should I do if I see her again?
Thanks,
Not Momma’s Boy
Dear Momma’s Boy,
She obviously rented out that room to roll the dice on getting a more nonchalant boarder.
Pretending you don’t recognize her is trying too hard in all the wrong ways. She knows forcing a new wombmate bothers you, because if you were actually cool, you’d have hit the patented coworker wave. Imagine the cordial wave mall security gives a tight-lipped smile. Next time you see your mom-turned-landlord, you can evict any “chalance” you have with a casual nod.
Unflappably yours,
Peakie
Dear Peakie,
I am currently on a summer holiday in Tanzania. Upon entering the country, I was shocked to learn that they DON’T HAVE POUTINE???? How on EARTH am I going to survive? Please advise on what I should do. I’m craving gravy goodness with a side of aspartame.
In tears,
POUTINE’s Lover
Dear Lover,
First, don’t get it twisted. I’m telling you this straight because I care.
You shouldn’t even be thinking about eating potatoes and allow yourself to be immersed in the breathtaking nature. Ostriches are Tanzania’s bird of the year, probably because they’re elegant and run extremely fast. They don’t get sluggish after filling up on aspartame-packed soda that, according to trends of yonder internet, can also clean your toilet. Maybe living like an ostrich is the way to go. But, if you’re hungry, maybe go to the nearest log and find yummy bugs to eat.
Currently eating grasshoppers,
Peakie
Dear Peakie,
I think the paparazzi is after me. Everywhere I go, photographers snap photos of me! Like, I know that I’m great and that I bring all the vibes. But my awesomeness might be a problem. I hate being recognized everywhere I go, even when I go to a gas station! Is the press that eager to snag a pic of me? How would you recommend getting them off my trail?
Thanks,
Dear Influencer,
Gas stations and undercover paparazzi motorcades have a common theme: cars. BOOO!
There’s never been a better time to use the SkyTrain to hop around the city. You’ll blend in during rush hour no matter how recognizable you are because you’ll be packed into that standing-room-only Mark V train car like a sardine. Plus, if you get caught by a creepy paparazzo, you can always hop off the train in the nearest station and make a run for it. I’m sure the station will be busy enough that you’ll evade those pesky creatures in no time.
TransLinked to your problems,
Peakie
