Dear Rest of Body,
We need to talk.
I think you can agree I’ve been pretty good to you over the course of our lifetime. I’ve held up your glasses, kept your mask in place, and have literally kept your ears attached to your head. However, I feel you have not been taking care of me as well as I have been taking care of you. It’s time you hear me out.
I’ve decided to outline a list of demands below and would like your complete co-operation if you expect us to continue living in harmony. It’s time you start thinking about my needs and making an effort in this relationship — consider it a repayment for all the countless things I have done for you over these years . . . Jerk.
- I want you to start washing me. Regularly. You never consider how I can get dirty too and it’s time you start committing an extra 10 seconds in the shower to me. I don’t want a half-assed job like your back and shoulders either. I expect a good effort, with fancy soap, an exfoliant scrub, and a nice towel down after — the whole deal.
- Start getting more regular hair cuts. Your hair’s way too long and your nasty split-ends keep itching my crevices. I want to feel the cool breeze caress me again — like when we first were together and you had that bald, baby smelling head. Not that hairy dry conditioner soaked mop you keep on your head now.
- Please. Stop putting your gum in me. It’s honestly ridiculous I even have to ask this. I know you like having fresh smelling breath for when you want to get down to the sexy business, but putting your gum in me is irrational, counterintuitive, and wildly disrespectful. The only advantage it serves is that sometimes I get to watch it get stuck in your friggin mop hair but that honestly doesn’t make the experience worth it.
- Massages. At least five times per week. Day after day we are consistently burdened with these tight masks that keep pulling us down and it is becoming a real strain. The next time we hear hands coming near us they better be with the intent of relaxation or else.
Go ahead, picture a life without us. Picture all of those grocery stores you won’t get into during the pandemic or headphones that won’t stay on your head, and remember — you need us.
If you don’t meet our demands within one week, we will fight back. Up until this point we have been more than reasonable, but do not attempt to play any games. We are the ears at the back of your head.
Sincerely yours,
The mastoids
