By: Kelly Chia, Staff Writer

Hey everyone . . . 

So I have you all gathered here on my Instagram Live today because I think it’s obvious we all want change. There’s been anticipation in the air recently and tonight I believe I can be a vehicle for this momentous shift. 

What do I mean, @user10293869? Well, I think we all know what’s been causing a big stink the last two years. That’s right. COVID-19. 

No, no, guys, don’t worry. I think it’s real. It’s a serious problem for sure. And that’s exactly why, today, I’m arguing we unite to fight against it.

Today, I’m standing up for what’s right. It’s time we finally say, “NO!” to COVID-19. I’m taking a collective breath with everyone, and together, we can eject COVID-19 from our space. It’s going to be super easy.

Hey @skepticalparrot, I see your comment and I don’t think you quite understand what I’m getting at here. I’m perfectly fine with wearing masks and everything, I totally get that part. Honestly, the look will probably be Covidcore-chic in a few years. But all of this right now? So not aesthetically pleasing, and so not the vibe . . . It just feels so extra to have to think about COVID-19 every day. It’s ridiculous. 

The only way we can hope to have a positive world is if we are constantly growing together and right now — I’m not growing. Guys, we can stop this if we try. All we have to do is use the skills we learned in school and put COVID-19 in its place with our rock solid theses. 

I’ve listened to what Kant, Aristotle, and all those other Greek dudes had to say about sublimity and all that stuff, and I totally — like — get it. But just so you guys are clear, a good example of sublimity is how I dream of the sublimity of me having the flirtiest non-COVID-19 spring — ever. And, frankly, COVID-19 is the only thing standing in the way of that dream. This act of preventing my sublimity is  extremely anti-feminist behaviour from COVID-19 and exactly why the virus is manspreading across the planet right now. 

So here’s my argument: in order to stop the toxic male gaze of Zoom, we’re analysing COVID-19 with our word. I think this will compel COVID-19 that its presence is no good for anyone’s personal growth, and we can all achieve a better world together. 

In PHIL 101 I learned that in order to convince someone you have a good argument, it’s useful to use logical fallacies.

Well, here’s fallacy #1, COVID-19: you’re what I’d call a slippery slope argument. I mean, it’s in your name. 19. Like, 2019? And yet, you exploded in 2020 and continue to devastate millions today? Hello? It’s 2022. Talk about making false promises, honestly.

. . . Anyways — that’s all the fallacies I remember, but that should be a good enough start. 

Yep, @candiceiscool, I’m perfectly serious. 

Guys, understand we can verbally battle this woman-hating virus back into an atom. Together, we can convince WHO, CDC, and all those organisations to lobby together to plead COVID-19 to let us have a hot girl summer! 

Like it’s been two years of us constantly wondering when enough is enough. you know? And, tonight I’ve finally decided, I’ve had enough. The world has had enough. I mean, aren’t you getting a bit old, COVID-19? Do you really think morphing and growing as a virus is positive behaviour?

What? Why are you reporting my Live? This is an obstruction of public speech, and I will not be silen—