By: Sara Brinkac, Cosmic mailman

ARIES: Sorry I haven’t gotten out of retrograde. I accidentally had caffeinated tea at 8:00 p.m. last night and my orbital schedule has been a nightmare. 

— Mercury

TAURUS: I get that you’re really into the phrase, “The early bird gets the worm,” but you are neither a bird nor early to anything. So why do you keep trying to eat worms?

— Earth

GEMINI: If you say anything bad about my dance recital last night I will lose it. I swear I’m not above telling everyone about that one time you farted in the Denny’s waiting area.

— Venus

CANCER: WOW. I can’t believe you actually fell for that lie your close friend told you two days ago. I had no idea you were such a complete sucker! Well it’s only going to cause you moderate to grave consequences so don’t worry too much.

— The Sun

LEO:  I know I said “never go to bed angry” but dude — you look terrible. Just spitballing here but maybe get some sleep and instead channel that anger into raising a suburban family.

— The Moon

VIRGO:  Your mom called and told me to tell you that you have to start calling me dad now.

— Jupiter

LIBRA: Sometimes it feels like you’re just one big joke to everyone and no one sees you for who you really are. I get that. I’m here if you ever need me to take that shit for you.

— Uranus

SCORPIO: Nothing is impossible if you believe in yourself. Even when people with a “doctorate” say you aren’t what you want to be and try crushing your dreams with “scientific criteria,”  keep believing, friend.

— Pluto

SAGITTARIUS: Do you ever feel forgotten just because you don’t have a funny name or controversial size? Yeah, me too. Just know that I see you and you’re beautiful. 

— Neptune

CAPRICORN: You should consider starting your own chocolate bar line. It’s an extremely lucrative business opportunity and great for personal branding!

— Mars

AQUARIUS: I watched you on Google: Street View last night! Your performance was so incredibly realistic! I especially liked when you “tripped” on that curb and made the child cry. Keep up the good work sweetie — here’s hoping for that Oscar!

xoxo

— Saturn

PISCES: You’re so wound up. Sometimes in life you just gotta float aimlessly for a bit. Who knows, maybe you’ll find a hot ball of rock gas and the two of you can spark a new life together.

— A passing asteroid