By: Kelly Chia, Staff Writer
So, this is it. You half-smile, half-cringe at the scaffolding as you take in the campus. Maybe it’s your first time entering Burnaby Mountain’s concrete abyss, or maybe it’s your thousandth. Either way, you are filled with a unique burst of excitement.
It’s an odd feeling at eight in the morning.
Your introspection is interrupted by a sharp voice. “Hey! Listen!” he says, definitely not breaking any copyright laws.
Out of the corner of your eye, you see . . . McFogg the Dog? You:
A) Choose to ignore him. You really need to figure out where that tutorial on the fifth floor of AQ is. You know you’ll be looking at SFU Snap forever before figuring out the closest staircase to your classroom, so you might as well get a headstart. (Go to 3)
B) Wave back at McFogg. It’s not everyday you get greeted by a washed-up, potentially dangerous school mascot! (Go to 4)
1. You follow McFogg dutifully, winding through the bowels of SFU (your affectionate nickname for the hellhole under Maggie Benston Centre). What could being “the chosen one” mean? You rub your hands together zealously.
“My star,” McFogg begins with Mickey Mouse candour. “We’ll be filming a documentary for the next four years to prove SFU doesn’t delete student emails whenever they hold us accountable. We’ll start with an interview with yours truly,” he finishes, with a flourish of his hat.
Guess you’re now a film major? Steer clear from your classmates that have made liking Kill Bill their personality! (End.)
2. You go to leave the building, still dizzy from your new experiences. McFogg starts barking, but you don’t understand. You find a small sticky note as the 145 sends you to safety.
It reads . . .
“You have been cursed with always having your department advisor out of office when you need to make an appointment. Buy 100 iced cappuccinos for McFogg the God to relieve your curse.” (End.)
3. You make your way to the AQ building. You stare at the fire escape map trying your very best to find where that one room in the middle of the hallway is. Winding around the halls for an eternity (AKA five minutes before your class starts), you see a hastily scribbled “Follow me!” on the wall in pink Sharpie.
A) You really need direction at this point in your life, so you follow obediently. It’s the summer of adventure, as Bonnie Henry said (or something)! (Go to 5)
B) Shrug. You’ve seen more cryptic messages scribbled on the doors of the school bathrooms. You walk the opposite direction out of an abundance of caution, though. (Go to 6)
4. McFogg approaches you. As he comes closer, a dense fog sets in. It would almost feel nostalgic if the unsmiling eyes on McFogg’s fursuit didn’t feel so threatening.
“I’ve been waiting for you. We all have. The RCB quakes once every 50 years when the chosen one enters the campus, and I felt that deep in my soul,” he tells you in an uncharacteristically high voice. “Come with me.”
A) Your individuality complex cannot believe how perfect this is. You finally get to brag about being the main character. Let’s go! (Go to 1)
B) You turn around and go home. Maybe it is too soon to return to campus . . . (Go to 2)
5. You uncover a treasure trove of Hershey’s Kisses and Eggies that have been humbly refrigerated in the student lounge. And bonus: AQ 5190203849.5 is right next to the lounge! Wait, there’s a student lounge on this floor?
You collapse on the floor, amazed by this secret. But, as you leave the room to head to your tutorial, the lounge vanishes. You look at your chocolate, ripe and ready for three hours of intense syllabi reading.
Congratulations! You’ve been blessed, I guess? (End.)
6. And with that one turn, you find your tutorial room. You take a massive breath, fondly thinking of the papers you’ll be bullshitting at four in the morning. As you sit down in your tiny desk-chair and unpack, everything falls out of your bag at a humiliating speed.
Your McFogg the Dog plush you brought for comfort and to share conversations with stares at you as you die from embarrassment.
Your plan of looking like the coolest, most articulate student in your tutorial has been ruined! You will never live this down. (End.)