By: Paige Riding, Copy Editor
Breakfast: Breakdown-fast Bowl
You’ve seen the unsolicited breakfast bowl posts gracing your Instagram Explore Page. They’re right beside the equally undesired (or so you tell yourself) anime fan art of Naruto and Goku making out. For this recipe, you will need all the fruit you bought after swearing you’d eat healthily this week that’s now going bad.
Ingredients:
- One browned banana stinking up your whole kitchen (“That’s not my banana,” you think, passive-aggressively glaring at your roommate until you realize it is.)
- One bell pepper (Ha! Just kidding. That isn’t a fruit. Wait . . . )
- Three apples purchased at different times (You put a bag of oranges over the old ones and forgot you had them. You told your mom you had meal prep down, but just look at you. Pathetic.)
- One cup of yogurt (Yoghurt? Youhgourkt?)
Directions:
- Open the banana, inevitably smooshing the end into a browned pulp. Decide the fruit is past the point of no return. Throw it away. Feel insurmountable guilt.
- Cut up the rest of your fruit. Stare in disgust at your pathetic collection.
- Pour the yogurt into a bowl. Realize with dread there’s dried-on food from last night’s dinner on it.
- Assemble fruit on top. Watch in agony as all the pieces sink into the yogurt. Serve immediately (but it’s too late).
Lunch: “Ramen”
Do you ever crave instant ramen then realize you already ate your last packet in an assignment-induced fever dream? Fear not. This ramen substitute will satiate your need by only sacrificing your self-respect and the entire “ramen” concept along the way.
Ingredients:
- Minimum seven-week-old opened angel hair pasta package (It only took you one meal to realize why it was on sale. It’s sat untouched in your cupboard ever since.)
- Countless accumulated soy sauce packets (“Wow, I really should use those,” you kept thinking. But you didn’t. Because you are you.)
Directions:
- Boil angel hair pasta according to directions. Do the noodles go limp when you grab them with tongs? They are ready. (I will not make a going-limp-in-your-hand joke.)
- Add as many soy sauce packets as desired. (I will not make a your-hand-is-all-sticky-now joke.)
- Enjoy (?).
Dinner: Gotta Be Beef Burger
What better way to end your isolated day, exactly the same as the one before, than with a burger that’s exactly the same as any bland burger you’ve ever eaten?
Ingredients:
- The last end piece of a loaf of bread (You forced yourself to eat the first one when you started the loaf, but now you’ve left the last piece for a while. It haunts you.)
- One Kraft Singles slice (The plastic wrap must still be on to mimic your textbooks this semester.)
- A burger patty (Vegetarian options also work. I do not know any that work.)
- Wilted spring mix (Man! You just bought that!)
- Ketchup (What, do you measure how much you put on a burger? Pretentious ass.)
Directions:
- Cook patty in oil over medium-high heat. Scroll through your phone for too long. Check patty. Realize it is now reminiscent of a hockey puck. Ruminate. Eat it anyway since you can’t afford to waste it like the banana.
- Prepare “bun” and toppings. Attempt to squirt ketchup on bread. You forgot to shake it. Now your bread is soggy with ketchup water. Mmm. Add cheese. Add wilted spring mix. (You swear it was totally fine, but you forgot the first rule of spring mix: either eat it with every single meal for three days, or wait until the fourth and face its rotten wrath.)
- Add charcoal patty. Fold bread over and enjoy.
