Top Ten things that can be substituted for a personality

Very calm, very cool. Nothing wrong here. Illustration: Siloam Yeung / The Peak

By: Kyla Dowling, Staff Writer

  1. Liking an obscure musician that other people definitely haven’t heard of 

We all know this person, and honestly? We all are this person to some extent. I wouldn’t blame you for making Mitski the centerpiece of your personality . . . if you didn’t act like anyone who only knows her music from TikTok deserves to be guillotined. Anyways, we all know that the real cool people are the ones who listen to heavy metal songs about She-Ra characters. 

2. Owning a hat shaped like Squirtle

Is this a callout for the kid in half my classes in high school who exclusively wore black jeans, a black shirt, and an enormous Squirtle hat? Yes. Sorry, Joseph. Not all hats can be a personality trait, but all Pokémon merch can be. Just ask The Peak’s humour editor — all I know about her is that she has a Charmander tattoo. 

3. Possessing moldavite 

If you’re on the witchy side of TikTok, you’ll know that moldavite is supposed to get rid of every shred of negative energy in your life. While I refuse to discount the effects of moldavite, I do acknowledge it can definitely become one’s entire persona. You fail a class? Moldavite. Your fish dies? Moldavite. You get fired? Moldavite. It’s definitely because this crystal is taking out the things in your life that no longer serve you, not because you were profiting off of TikTok.

4. Holding gatherings during a pandemic 

Didn’t you hear? Bonnie Henry said that 10 people are allowed to gather outside from a distance now! That definitely means that the house party I threw to celebrate my hedgehog’s birthday is totally okay. I mean yeah, there were 25 people there, and yeah, I hooked up with Chad who hooked up with Monica who hooked up with Kelsey, so we weren’t exactly at a distance, but we’re in a bubble so it’s fine! It’s party time betches [champagne emoji] [laughing emoji] [devil smiling emoji]*

*A dramatic reenactment of my elementary school best friend’s Instagram story from March 16, 2021.

5. Having seen Hamilton live 

Whether it was Broadway, West End, or a really questionable all-white adaptation that the local private school put on, people who have seen Hamilton live will not let it go. I mean, what does it matter that you met Lin-Manuel Miranda (which I did) and asked him a question at the stage door (which I did) after seeing the show with the original cast (which I did)? People who brag about that are so terrible.

6. Having stickers on your laptop

Given that we might have a full return to in-person classes, it only makes sense that I remind you that the stickers on your laptop absolutely count as a personality. No matter whether you have a sticker reading “gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss” or one that says “don’t talk to me until I have my coffee,” your laptop is the new ‘introduce yourself’ discussion board. I would say to be prepared for your classmates making snap judgments of you based on your corgi and performative activism stickers, but they’ll be too worried about whether or not their Michael Scott sticker gives off the right impression. 

7. Calling animals by names like “doggos” 

For you, raccoons are trash pandas. Dogs are doggos or puppers, or, god forbid, flufferinos. If you have a pet, you call it  your “fur baby” and probably have an Instagram account with 15 whole followers. Fur baby? You have a fucking pet frog. And please leave the embarrassing quirky words for the millenials. They’re already defending Eminem, so there’s no going back for them.

8. Being in a pyramid scheme

Heeeeey girly! How’ve you been since we got into that huge argument in the fifth grade about which Monster High doll I am? (FYI, I’m totally Lagoona.) I was just thinking about you and was wondering if you were interested in an amazing business opportunity. All you have to do is promote and sell our 100% natural raspberry mango-flavoured bleach! I would love for you to join our #bossbabenation!*

*ripped from my Instagram DMs

9. Working for The Peak 

I added a Snorlax emoji to our Slack emoji list the other day and it brought me immense joy. My roommate told me that I was saying things like “Monday Music” and “Opinions in Dialogue” in my sleep. Please send help. 

10. Iced coffee

Oh my god. You really read the title of this one and went “Finally, one I can relate to!” even though you know caffeine makes you anxious. Anyways, go eat something that isn’t a $1 iced coffee, goob. That eye twitch looks funky on Zoom.