By: Alex Masse, Peak Associate
We all know them, or someone like them.
As summer leaves and the autumn chill weaves between our bones, you open your social media of choice and they’re there. It’s benign at first, but the descent into cinnamon apple-scented madness is inescapable.
That’s right: it’s Halloween Freak.
Don’t get me wrong: I love Halloween, but there’s something to be said about what’s embodied in this individual. And what’s to be said is that it’s annoying as hell and their content is the exact same every single year.
They have five definite stages. Here they are, so you can recognize and mute them on your feed accordingly.
STAGE 1: September First
“NO ONE:
ME: IT’S HALLOWEEN NEXT MONTH!!!”
Often accompanied by a Nightmare Before Christmas GIF, this is the first warning. While it’s not a guarantee, if there was a watchlist for this kind of person, this would be a qualifier.
STAGE 2: What’s Back To School?
“Most girls are worried about back to school season, but what about Halloween? It’s crazy it isn’t a national holiday. It should be. I’m already in the spirit!”
If you’re the kind of person who can slough off fall semester stressors like water off a duck’s back by thinking about Halloween, you could be at risk of becoming a Bone-Chilling Halloween Freak. There should be at least some kind of buffer period, if you ask me (not that anyone ever does). If you don’t leave space for back to school, you end up burning through all your horror movies and cozy sweaters while it’s still technically beach season. I don’t know whether that’s mild BC weather or climate change, but if you can’t wait for Mother Nature, you need to dial it back.
STAGE 3: The Buzzfeed Quizzes
“I got 50/50 on this ‘How Well Do You Know The Nightmare Before Christmas Test!’ Beat THAT! Also, this quiz told me I’m most like Winifred Sanderson! You all WISH you were me.”
It’s the same quizzes and answers every year. I personally don’t base my identity on a Hocus Pocus witch of choice. The Bone-Chilling Pumpkin-Sniffing Halloween Freak, however, totally does. They fill your feed with results from Internet quizzes.
. . . I’m not bitter about getting Mary Sanderson as my Hocus Pocus character two years ago, I swear.
STAGE 4: Group Costume Planning
“OMG guys, check out these 20 group costumes for you and your friends! Who wants to do this with me!”
No, buddy, I don’t want to be the kids from Stranger Things with you. Or the Losers from It. Or whatever else Finn Wolfhard is in. No disrespect to the guy, but I have a teenage sister, so he’s already inescapable. Also, is it just me, or do group costumes almost never come to fruition? There’s got to be a statistic. Like, one in six. Also, I’m not gonna be anything Disney, dammit. Not until they apologize for making people pay $30 for their live-action Mulan.
STAGE 5: The Skeleton War
“This Halloween, consider enlisting in the SKELETON WAR. I am serving proudly as a General under THE BONE LORD. Sharpen your weapons, ready your bone flutes, and forget what it means to be merciful. WE WILL TAKE NO PRISONERS!”
I’ve only seen someone hit Stage 5 once or twice, but it’s how you know they’re too far gone. They’ve become a vessel for all things spooky and scary, and it sends a shiver down my spine just to think about. I do wonder what a socially-distanced Skeleton War would look like, but also, these people scare me and I’d rather not think about it.
There are your warning signs. Thankfully, come November 1st, most Halloween Freaks revert back to their normal selves.
Some, however, will emerge in the new month howling out Michael Bublé and posting Rudolph GIFs. That’s the Christmas Freak, a whole other beast.
