Written by Devana Petrovic, Staff Writer
Let’s be real here: you’re lonely. You’re isolated, and you’re starved . . . touch-starved, to be exact. You’ve resorted to all kinds of desperate measures to satisfy your need for human contact. But it’s OK now, because you’ve been saved.
Kneading someone warm and soft to snuggle? Doughn’t worry. These six classic easy-bake breads are exactly what you need. After all, you don’t have to stand six feet apart from your sourdough. So forget fantasizing about cute cuddles from the only people you really see anymore: reality TV stars with garbage personalities. A nice loaf of fluffy goodness, fresh from the oven and wrapped in your arms, is the only thing you need that’s Too Hot to Handle.
Ba-guette Me The Hell Out Of Quarantine
A French classic, this carb-loaded delicacy is bread royalty. Don’t let this mysterious phallus fool you, because it is more than just misunderstood. This bread summons only the finest of partners: foie gras, pâté, brie cheese, and now, you. Cuddle this free-love bad boy at night to forget that your mundane, disappointing, and totally addictive Tinder dating life has finally crumbled away completely.
Rye Is Everything So Unbearable Right Now
We’ve pulled this earthy staple from the depths of every expensive Gastown café. It’s generally unwanted, but regularly ordered by Thomas, who sits there in his flannel, Blundstones, and cuffed jeans engaged in “entrepreneurial” conversation. Now, this bread is your replacement Thomas. Glare at it from behind your laptop screen and it’ll feel exactly like your typical coffee shop experience: overcrowded and tiny communal tables. Because touching elbows with hateful strangers is a touch worth missing, too.
You Cia-batta Stay Home, So This Can End Already
Just stay home. Please.
Sourdough for your Sour Mood Swings
The best loaf to guide you through your impulses to darkness. Frankly, a sourdough relationship is anything but sour, and this bread is at its most comforting when you squeeze a mustard smiley-face all over it, projecting your need for love and kindness. Firm and familiar, snuggling this bread will feel all the better when you develop a mutual understanding of one another.
Existential Dread Focaccia
In your lowest quarantine moments, this greasy pillow of bread is there to hug your soul, to cradle your weeping, your gothic Mother Teresa. Focaccia is the ultimate replacement for your touch starvation. Once your oxytocin is activated by the embrace of existential dread, you’ll never need human contact again.
Going Fucking Bananas Bread
Bad bananas? Make banana bread. Starting to feel like you’ve forgotten what it’s like to be loved? Make banana bread. Dwelling unhealthily on the inevitable reality of time? Maybe it’s time for another FaceTime call with a friend, but if you have some bananas lying around, a loaf of banana bread will do. Going Fucking Bananas Bread is loyal. It’s affectionate. Most importantly, it’s not obsessed with turnips. Truly the perfect cuddle-buddy.