CONFESSIONALS: Yoga taught me to let go and steal my neighbour’s mail!

My new favourite pose is Felony

ILLUSTRATION: Marissa Ouyang /The Peak

By: Michelle Young, Staff Writer 

Cat pose, Sphinx pose, Ragdoll . . . I inhale and exhale, and I feel all my negative energy leave me. Exiting through my palms, slipping through my fingers — just like my career has. I become nothing, everything. 

During quarantine, we’ve all turned to different coping mechanisms. I started doing yoga. And I am liberated — seriously. You can do anything when you’ve moved on from the crushing guilt of stealing all your neighbours’ mail!

Let me start from the beginning. Like my online YouTube instructor says, my yoga practice means following in the footsteps of Zaheer (that bald anarchist man from The Legend of Korra), fluttering away from all my worldly desires. Any time I had an issue with this, I knew the cure: more yoga. Feeling overwhelmed by my shortcomings? I would do yoga and be instantly at ease, reminded that I didn’t need talents, just Mountain pose. 

Soon I added mediation into my routine. Rapidly, I could feel the change in the bedroom air — it smells pungent. Of course, constantly meditating and focusing on my breath did cause me to miss a few deadlines. In fact, I’m now being charged with tax evasion. 

However, through my heavily appropriated and whitewashed yoga journey, I learned to accept my failings and allow the stars to carve the path that’s meant for me. Because I’ve realized now, I’m not in control. And that’s why I don’t have to regret compulsively stealing my neighbour’s packages. It’s not me, it’s the universe working its magic through me.

Taking the Amazon packages was strictly about cleansing my neighbours’ bad vibes, a kindness. The UPS ones were harder to justify, but I told myself that the delivery items were just more compatible with my aura than theirs. Eventually I realized that it’s OK to have just one worldly desire. I mean, my instructor is asking his subscribers to Venmo him $500 per video. 

Recently I began shopping for celestine and selenite crystals to cleanse the energies of my filched products. So many bad vibes bouncing around with COVID-19 on the loose . . . We need to protect ourselves and each other. I have also urged my friends and family to examine their own auras during these trying times and use essential oils to boost their physical and spiritual health. However, they have completely dismissed my wisdom and told me I should return my hoarded pile of stolen mail. How rude! 

Upon further examination, I decided to cut their negative energy out of my life. I have dropped out of school, too, as they wouldn’t let me pay tuition with my priceless energy-cleansing crystals. Even so, I have placed my fate into the hands of the stars — just as they’ve placed my neighbours’ expedited parcels into the hands of me. 

It’s scary, as I really am on my own now. My instructor went to prison last week, just like Zaheer. In the comment sections of his videos, they’re saying that what he was teaching us wasn’t even really yoga, since he didn’t have his “300-hour certification” or any knowledge at all beyond what wikiHow said.